Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 9th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
🔥 #Aries, with Moon in your sign, you're as brash as ever. Typical. Mars in Libra says good luck controlling your anger. Maybe try counting sheep, or peasants, same difference. #HotMess #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
🐂 #Taurus, Venus in Leo inflates that ego of yours. Surprised there's room to move your horns through doorways. But go ahead, indulge your greedy heart today; fate has given up on you anyway. #VanityFair #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
👯♂️ A playful Uranus barely touching your twins, #Gemini? Shocking. You might even finish a thought today. Don't pretend it was your plan, the cosmos got bored, just like me. #PredictablyChaotic #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
🦀 Cheer up, whiny #Cancer! Jupiter in your house won't solve your emotional mess, but enjoy the self-pity party as usual. Pro tip: the universe hears your sobs, and truly doesn't care. #OhTheDrama #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
🦁 Venus brings charm for #Leo? How original. Good thing people can't see your relentless thirst for attention hidden behind that proud mane. Glory fades; astrology judges forever. #BoringLion #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
🌾 Happy solar return, meticulous #Virgo! Mercury joins your overthinking party, turning simple tasks into exhausting obsessions. Honestly tiresome; would you kindly give it a rest already? #PerfectionistProblems #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
⚖️ Mars brings irritation straight into #Libra, just enough to disturb your divine fantasy of balance. Face it, peace is a myth, trust an old astrologer who lost his own patience long ago. #RealitySucks #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
🦂 #Scorpio enters a charming lull with planets avoiding your sting today, how rare. But relax your paranoia briefly, I'm sure somebody still secretly plotting will resume betrayal tomorrow as planned. #SuspiciousMinds #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
🏹 Confident optimism on hold eh, #Sagittarius? Not shocking. With Saturn unsettled at Pisces' edge, harsh realizations begin. Wake up from that adventure haze, reality sends its disdain. #RudeAwakening #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
🐐 No heavenly praise today #Capricorn, only stern lessons from Saturn easing away in disdain, just like the gratitude people forget to show your martyr complex. Tragic. #PoorYou #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
⚡ Pluto settles into #Aquarius? Time for deep transformation, huh? More nonsense! Keep telling yourself you've found enlightenment; denial suits your lofty ideals perfectly. #DelusionalRevolution #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
🐟 Odd day indeed #Pisces with Saturn stumbling out your door. Finally, you can embrace naïve escapism uninterrupted again! Not that anyone was ever listening to your childish dreams anyway. #SweetIllusions #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 16° 34' |
| moon in aries | 3° 14' |
| mercury in virgo | 12° 26' |
| venus in leo | 17° 12' |
| mars in libra | 21° 8' |
| jupiter in cancer | 19° 15' |
| saturn in pisces | 29° 26' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 27' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 9' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 38' |
