Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 13th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Ugh #Aries, with Mars in passive ♎︎ avoid starting wars you're too inept to finish. I know thinking hurts, but try anyway. ⚔️ #HopelessCases #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
#Taurus, your desire for luxury meets harsh Venus in prideful Leo. Stop wasting your coins on shiny garbage, it's painful to watch. 💎🐂 #RichPoorTastes #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Moon in YOUR chaotic gemini realms along witty Uranus? As if you weren't annoying enough already. Choose fewer words, humanity thanks you. 🙄 #GeminiProblems #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter in #Cancer and you're drunk on emotional indulgence. I don't need an ocean to drown, just your endless drama. Come up for air, pathetic crab. 🌧️🦀 #CryMeARiver #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Poor insignificant #Leo, Venus graces your pompous abode, what joy. The stars pity your astronomical ego trip almost as much as I do. 🪞🦁 #BlindedByEgo #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Sun AND Mercury nesting in your obsessively nitpicky turf #Virgo? Shocker. Put the magnifying glass away, nobody asked for your sad analysis. 📚#PerfectionParalysis #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Mars awkwardly hushed in #Libra isn’t flattering, it's pathetic. Indecision is your brand, yes, but now it's even LESS cute. Make a choice for once. ⚖️ #SpinelessScales #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Really #Scorpio? Pluto skimming Aquarius and branded rebellion beckoning? Predictable. Take your furtive plotting elsewhere, your ‘dark charm’ bores me. 🦂 #Yawn #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
With Saturn nearing end of soft Pisces, responsibility is sneaking toward you #Sagittarius. Prepare for adulthood, the endless impulse-chasing stops here 🤡🎯 #PartyOver #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Honestly #Capricorn, even Neptune in headfirst Aries won’t awaken your dead imagination. Dream a little, but you're probably too busy gagging ambition. 🗝️🐐 #DullAmbition #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Congrats, #Aquarius Pluto has officially entered your eccentric territory now? Spare me your contrived individuality, your tragic unique act deceives no one. 🤖 #Yawnspiration #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Dear, sigh, Saturn leaves Pisces soon, leaving you adrift (again). Reality checks were exhausting, huh? Better go back to vapid daydreaming, darling. 💭🐠 #PiscesPathetic #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 20° 28' |
| moon in gemini | 1° 24' |
| mercury in virgo | 20° 3' |
| venus in leo | 22° 3' |
| mars in libra | 23° 46' |
| jupiter in cancer | 19° 54' |
| saturn in pisces | 29° 8' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 26' |
| neptune in aries | 1° 2' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 35' |
