Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on February 25th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congratulations, Aries, the invisible hand of Mars says you'll start something dumb and abandon it by noon. Again. Maybe let someone else lead for once? Nah, you’ll charge off anyway. #Aries 🥊 #astrology #horoscope
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus rolls her eyes at you, Taurus. Still clinging to bad habits like a tick on a lazy cow. Try change for once, if you can get off the couch. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Moon's parked in your house, Gemini, rattling your two brain cells like a maraca. You'll gossip, overpromise, and forget it all by dinner. Stay chaotic, champ. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Pisces planets oozing everywhere and you’re STILL desperate for validation, Cancer. Prepare for mood swings and tears over nothing. Get a grip. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun in Pisces, Leo, so you’re dethroned: nobody cares about Your Majesty today. Pout all you want, spotlight’s broken. Have you tried humility? Didn’t think so. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury in sappy Pisces, Virgo, so your precious lists are pointless. Good luck making order out of this mess. Go alphabetize the void. #Virgo 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Pisces is all illusions, Libra, so your endless waffling returns. No one will pick you, and you couldn’t choose a side if threatened with exile. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in airy Aquarius means your stings miss, Scorpio. Flirt, plot, fail: no one fears your drama today. All bark, zero bite. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
All the Pisces haze you can handle, Sag. You’ll chase dumb dreams and miss the obvious. Keep running, you might eventually catch up with your dignity. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
With your ruling planet, Saturn, asleep in Aries, find comfort in utter powerlessness. Drown the empire-building dreams. Hack mediocrity instead. #Capricorn 🪓 #astrology #horoscope
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Mars loiters in your sign, Aquarius, so your ‘brilliant’ ideas are just petty rebellions. Lead the parade of fools, see if anyone follows. #Aquarius 🏴 #astrology #horoscope
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
The whole planetary clown car is in your sign, Pisces, so even your delusions don’t recognize you. Prepare to dissolve into a puddle of self-pity. #Pisces 🫧 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in pisces | 6° 23' |
| moon in gemini | 12° 44' |
| mercury in pisces | 22° 25' |
| venus in pisces | 18° 13' |
| mars in aquarius | 25° 35' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 24' |
| saturn in aries | 1° 15' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 39' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 54' |
| pluto in aquarius | 4° 25' |
