Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on February 26th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon’s in Gemini so you’re even dumber than usual, Aries. Try not to set anything on fire with your mouth. #Aries #DumpsterFire #astrology #horoscope
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus in Pisces makes your laziness positively legendary, Taurus. Cows move more than you do today. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
The Moon's in your sign, Gemini, so your need to talk is terminal. Nobody’s listening but keep flapping those gums. #Gemini 👂 #astrology #horoscope
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
With so much Pisces in the sky, you’ll be at home, crying, spoon-deep into your third tub of ice cream. Again. #Cancer #astrology #horoscope
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
All that Pisces means your ego's drowning. Posting selfies won’t save you. But sure, fish for pity likes, Leo. #Leo 📸 #astrology #horoscope
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury in Pisces has your brain more scrambled than a diner omelet. No amount of lists can save you now, Virgo. #Virgo 🥚 #astrology #horoscope
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Pisces means romance will go as well as a wet napkin holding soup. Good luck with that, Libra. #Libra 💔 #astrology #horoscope
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in Aquarius, Scorpio, you’re intense, but now also weird. Mix that with your paranoia and voilà: human repellent. #Scorpio ☠️ #astrology #horoscope
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter’s not in the mood for you, Sagittarius. You’ll chase dreams and trip over your own BS. At least you’re consistent. #Sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s babysitting Aries, so you’re surrounded by fools and forced to clean up, Capricorn. Fun times. #Capricorn 🪦 #astrology #horoscope
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Mars in your sign, Aquarius? Great, now you’ll annoy everyone with misplaced crusades and bad outfit choices. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Sun, Venus, Mercury, everything’s in Pisces, so you’re riding the melodrama tsunami. Try not to write poetry. #Pisces 🦑 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in pisces | 7° 23' |
| moon in gemini | 26° 56' |
| mercury in pisces | 22° 33' |
| venus in pisces | 19° 28' |
| mars in aquarius | 26° 22' |
| jupiter in cancer | 15° 22' |
| saturn in aries | 1° 22' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 40' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 56' |
| pluto in aquarius | 4° 27' |
