Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 31st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars is spooning Capricorn, so your temper’s less spark, more limp firecracker. Try bossing someone around today, watch rocks ignore you. #Aries 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Moon’s lurking in Taurus, huh? You’re even more stubborn than usual. Maybe if you stand still long enough, your problems will sculpt a statue from your laziness. #Taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury in Sagittarius: your mouth runs marathons while your brain hitchhikes. Speak less, be mistaken for smart, try for once. #Gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter sits in Cancer, inflating your feelings until you’re a walking Hallmark card with claws. No one’s asking for emotional tidal waves. Mop up. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Capricorn stuffed with planets? Good luck shining, Leo. The limelight ran off with your ambition. Go preen in a cave, we’ll call if anything needs drama. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus in Capricorn turns your pathetic pursuit of order into a joyless Excel spreadsheet. Have fun alphabetizing disappointment! #Virgo 📊 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Mars and Venus in Capricorn, romance? More like business merger. Your charm’s DOA. Try flirting with your reflection, it's equally soulless. #Libra #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Planets crowding Capricorn, your obsession’s now tedious ambition. Imagine sulking harder, but less interesting. Even Pluto’s bored. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury in your sign: big talk, zero follow-through. Pontificate away, Sagittarius, the universe is not listening and neither am I. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Sun, Venus, Mars, Capricorn’s a celestial clown car. Enjoy carrying 2024’s emotional baggage. Try to look busy while the rest avoid eye contact. #Capricorn 🧳 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto crawls into Aquarius. Revolutionary? Please. All you’ll overthrow is your own group chat. Enjoy your edgy opinions, alone. #Aquarius 🧠 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune in Pisces, fantasy's chained to a cinder block. Drown in reality. If you dream any harder, get a pillow sponsor. #Pisces 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 9° 32' |
| moon in taurus | 21° 49' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 27° 7' |
| venus in capricorn | 7° 56' |
| mars in capricorn | 11° 55' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 29' |
| saturn in pisces | 26° 6' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 58' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 29' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 41' |
