Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 30th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Feeling slow, Aries? With the Moon in Taurus you're moving at geological speed. Go ahead, try to rush, you’ll still finish last. #Aries 🐢 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Congrats, Taurus, you’re the emotional equivalent of a cold meatloaf. Blame the Moon, nobody wants your comfort, anyway. #Taurus 🥱 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury in Sagittarius wants you to speak your mind. Too bad your mind is running dial-up. Chatter away, everyone’s hit mute. #Gemini 📞 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s bloated in your sign, Cancer, but your luck’s thinner than your shell. Go ‘feel’ something, maybe some rejection. #Cancer 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, you’re hunting for attention but Mars and Venus in Capricorn make you invisible. You're the forgotten extra in your own movie. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, the Capricorn pileup says ‘work harder!’ But you’ll never fix the world, or even yourself. Have a snack and panic. #Virgo 🥨 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus is too busy climbing ladders to help your tragic love life. Mingle all you want, you still look desperate. #Libra 💔 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, Mars in Capricorn wants ruthless efficiency, but your sting’s more paperwork than pain. Scare yourself for once. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury’s at home, Sag, which means more dumb ideas out loud. Keep going, you’ll annoy the planet before you learn anything. #Sagittarius 📢 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Congrats, Capricorn, half the solar system’s squatting in your sign and you still can’t buy happiness. Embrace mediocrity. #Capricorn ⛰️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s here, Aquarius. Revolutionary? Please. You’re just sulking online. Collapse a system, oh wait, that’s your Wi-Fi. #Aquarius 💻 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Saturn and Neptune beg for escape. Dream on, fish. You won’t be happy awake or asleep. Fantasy is all you’ll ever win. #Pisces 💤 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 8° 31' |
| moon in taurus | 7° 12' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 25° 36' |
| venus in capricorn | 6° 41' |
| mars in capricorn | 11° 9' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 37' |
| saturn in pisces | 26° 3' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 0' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 28' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 39' |
