Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 16th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars in Libra, Neptune sniffing your backyard. You’re lost and passive, running at walls and calling it a victory lap. Try not to trip on your own ego, ram. #Aries 🏳️🌈 #astrology #horoscope
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus flirting in Leo, but you’re about as charming as a moldy loaf. Keep clinging to mediocrity, someone might mistake it for perseverance. #Taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury is Virgoan fussy. Your wit’s a broken Etch A Sketch: all static, zero substance. Spout more trivia, maybe someone will finally care. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon sloshing in Cancer, Jupiter inflates your mood swings. Cry babier. The world doesn’t revolve around your feelings, though you’ll whine as if it must. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus in Leo, you’ve declared yourself royalty. Too bad nobody showed up for the coronation. Here’s a mirror, your only loyal subject. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Sun and Mercury parade in Virgo, what a double disaster. Your perfectionism is tedious, not virtuous. Obsess harder, you’re still deeply annoying. #Virgo 📋 #astrology #horoscope
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Mars in Libra: aggression with jazz hands. Stop pretending your fakery is diplomacy, you're as transparent as a toddler's lie. #Libra 🪞 #astrology #horoscope
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Jupiter in Cancer muddies your venom, Saturn’s shadow makes you extra broody. Enjoy drowning in your own intensity, drama queen. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Neptune in Aries calling: reality’s canceled, rent’s overdue, but you’d rather run away. Keep preaching, galloping gasbag. Nobody’s listening. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s sulking in Pisces. Your ambition’s all wet, your plans are as leaky as your self-respect. Climb that mountain of delusion! #Capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto in Aquarius, huh? Spare me your revolution, it’s just another tantrum dressed as progress. Off you pop, innovator, into the void. #Aquarius 🌬️ #astrology #horoscope
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn in Pisces, Neptune’s near Aries, the blind leading the oblivious. Your dreams taste like expired soup. Nap harder, nothing changes. #Pisces 💤 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 23° 23' |
| moon in cancer | 13° 29' |
| mercury in virgo | 25° 37' |
| venus in leo | 25° 41' |
| mars in libra | 25° 46' |
| jupiter in cancer | 20° 22' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 54' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 25' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 57' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 32' |
