Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 17th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mood’s as fiery as a wet match, Aries. Mars just neutered your swagger, charge ahead, fall flat, blame everyone else. Maybe therapy, or just take a nap? #Aries 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is busy ignoring you, Taurus, and so should everyone else. Indulge in another sleeve of cookies while nothing changes. Gold medal in unremarkable. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s in Virgo, Gemini, which means your jokes aren’t landing and no one cares about your 34 group chats. Keep talking, you'll say something useful by accident. #Gemini 😶🌫️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cry harder, Cancer. Moon’s in your sign but not even the tides are impressed with your emotional theatrics. Maybe your shell needs better insulation. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus in Leo makes you think you’re irresistible. Spoiler: you’re not. Pose, pout, repeat, still invisible unless you scream. Try humility, it’s a new look. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Sun, Mercury, everything’s in Virgo, yet still you can’t fix yourself. Micromanage the world, analyze your failures, it’s the only productivity you’re getting. #Virgo 🧹 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Mars in Libra, wow, action-packed! If pacing indecisively counts. You could start a revolution… if only you could pick a side. Enjoy your endless waffling. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Moon’s emotions meet your sewer of trust issues. Shady as ever, Scorpio. Hide in the shadows firing off snarky texts, no one wants your drama anyway. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
With all these inner planet moods, Sagittarius, your wild ideas are just pipe dreams, again. Keep galloping, nobody’s following. Reality called, it hung up. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s pouting in Pisces, Capricorn, so your ‘grindset’ is just spinning wheels in muddy delusion. Take a break, or at least pretend you have a soul. #Capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto in Aquarius, congrats, your revolution will be livestreamed and ignored. Shout into the void, Aquarius, it matches your personality. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn’s drowning in Pisces, so your dreams are just waterlogged excuses. Go ahead, daydream professionally. Reality won’t miss you. #Pisces 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 24° 22' |
| moon in cancer | 27° 1' |
| mercury in virgo | 27° 26' |
| venus in leo | 26° 55' |
| mars in libra | 26° 26' |
| jupiter in cancer | 20° 32' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 50' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 24' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 56' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 32' |
