Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 21st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mercury's in Libra, so your famous ‘charge ahead’ attitude hits a brick wall, again. Go ahead, try diplomacy. We both know it’ll sound like threats. #Aries #SubtletyFail 😂 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus cowers in Virgo, just like your ambition. Your idea of self-care is a snack and a nap. Productivity? Maybe next century. #Taurus 🐄 Try not to trip over your own laziness. #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
With Uranus in Gemini and your mind on overdrive, you’ll switch opinions faster than a street magician. No one believes you, least of all yourself. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter bloats your feelings, and you’re more sensitive than a paper cut in salt water. Go cry to the Moon, Cancer, she’s just as tired of you as we are. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The Sun’s hiding in Virgo, so your spotlight is more like a flickering candle. Strut all you want, Leo, nobody’s watching, everyone’s judging. #Leo 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Moon, Sun, and Venus in Virgo: as if one wasn’t bad enough. Everything’s a crisis, everything’s dirty, and you’re still not good enough. Have fun spiraling. #Virgo 🛁 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Mercury and Mars in Libra make you overthink every argument…then lose them anyway. Congrats, Libra: your indecision is somehow aggressive now. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Nothing for you in the dark, just Pluto sulking in Aquarius. Keep spying, Scorpio, maybe one day people will care enough to have secrets worth stealing. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter’s busy boosting Cancer’s sob story, leaving you stuck repeating your shallow philosophies. Bored yet? We all are, Sag. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn retrogrades through Pisces, so your ‘discipline’ is now just sulking masked as ambition. Build your empire, out of sand. #Capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto creeps in Aquarius, stirring your inner rebel. So edgy! Go ahead, ‘change the world’, someone has to laugh at the failed revolution. #Aquarius 🧠 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn’s drowning you in your own melancholy, Pisces. Solid boundaries are a fairytale, like your love life. Go ahead, dissolve into tears. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 28° 16' |
| moon in virgo | 18° 46' |
| mercury in libra | 4° 33' |
| venus in virgo | 1° 47' |
| mars in libra | 29° 6' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 7' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 31' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 22' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 49' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 29' |
