Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 22nd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, #Aries. Neptune’s fog rolls in and you’ll charge ahead blind, as usual. Try not to set yourself on fire this time. 🧯 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey #Taurus, Venus is bored stiff in Virgo, like everyone else is with you. Polish your ‘reliable’ act. Spoiler: No one’s applauding. #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s in Libra, #Gemini, so your double-talk is even more insufferable. Even your lies are polite now. Adorable, really. #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter tries to inflate your emotions, #Cancer, but we all know they’re already a flood. Buy tissues. And grow a spine while you’re at it. #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sorry, #Leo. Zero spotlight. Sun’s in anxious Virgo and everyone sees how pathetically you fake competence. Give the drama a rest. 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Sun and Venus hovering in #Virgo? Yawn. You’re peak nag, make a spreadsheet of your failures, it’ll be the only list you finish. #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Moon, Mercury and Mars in #Libra. Triple whammy! You’ll make a thousand decisions, none of them good, and still wonder why you’re empty. #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
#Scorpio, Mars wants to stir your pot but you’re just brooding in the corner. Plot all you want, nobody fears your shadow games anymore. #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
#Sagittarius, nobody cares about your big philosophies when your mouth is running faster than your brain. Muzzle up before you trip. #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
#Capricorn, Saturn drags you further into the grind, keep climbing, Sisyphus. That boulder? It’s your personality. 🚩 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto lurks in #Aquarius and you’re basking in your ‘weird genius’ act. You’re not ahead of your time, you’re just lost. 🛸 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
#Pisces, Neptune says it’s time to swim in circles and cry. Newsflash: You don’t need stars for that, just a mirror and some minor inconvenience. #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in virgo | 29° 15' |
| moon in libra | 1° 11' |
| mercury in libra | 6° 17' |
| venus in virgo | 3° 1' |
| mars in libra | 29° 46' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 16' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 27' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 21' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 48' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 28' |
