Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 29th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars and Moon tag-team in your 1st, no, that’s not an invitation to fight. #Aries, adrenaline won’t fix your chronic stupidity. Charge ahead and enjoy another headbutt with reality. 🧨 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus just slipped into Capricorn, like you into delusion. Sorry, #Taurus, hoarding comfort won’t keep you safe. Spoiler: the universe still thinks you’re boring. 🥱 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s lost in Sagittarius and so are your thoughts, #Gemini. You’ll say something dumb and call it enlightening. Next time, let silence make you mysterious, not pathetic. 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s in your sign, but luck just laughs at you, #Cancer. Hide in your shell all you want, the world sees your tears. Maybe try crying with some dignity next time. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Capricorn planets grind at your pride, #Leo, and nobody noticed but you. Pout harder, maybe someone will care enough to lie to your face. Spoiler: They won’t. 🚫🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s in scatterbrain Sagittarius. You lost your edge, #Virgo, go ahead, alphabetize your regrets. The stars prefer their chaos over your dull order anyway. 💼 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Capricorn means flirting for upgrades, #Libra. Here’s a tip: stop weighing your options and try developing a personality. Being bland is not a lifestyle. ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in Capricorn, #Scorpio, and you pretend it makes you powerful. Wrong. Your edge got filed down, now you’re a butter knife in a world of steak. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury’s in your sign, #Sagittarius, but don’t get cocky, you’re still spouting half-baked genius nobody asked for. Start thinking before speaking. Just once. 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Sun, Venus, Mars, this pileup in Capricorn should be a glow-up. Instead, it’s an existential rash, #Capricorn. Ambition won’t solve your deep-seated misery. 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto just crept in, #Aquarius, hope you enjoy cosmic nihilism. Go on, rebel harder. The universe isn’t watching and neither am I. 🛰️ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune in your sign, #Pisces, dreams and suffering, a combo so cliche even you’re bored. Drown in your feelings, but don’t expect anyone to throw a life ring. 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 7° 30' |
| moon in aries | 22° 56' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 24° 6' |
| venus in capricorn | 5° 25' |
| mars in capricorn | 10° 23' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 44' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 59' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 2' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 28' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 37' |
