Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 28th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon’s in your court, #Aries. Too bad you’ll only use the energy to annoy everyone, even yourself. Try not to punch a mirror today. 🪞 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus forgot you and Mars is busy bossing Capricorn, hunker down, #Taurus. No, not in the good way. Just sulk and count your dwindling snacks. 🧀 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s lost in Sagittarius, so #Gemini, expect your mouth to run even dumber than usual. Can’t wait to see you talk yourself into another ditch. #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Nobody likes a moody crab, but with Jupiter begging for attention at home, #Cancer, you’re even more emotionally constipated than usual. Try weeping over nothing, again. #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Invisible today, #Leo. Sun don’t care, Moon don’t care, no one cares. Scream into the void if you crave applause, see who claps. 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s off gallivanting, #Virgo, so your micro-managing won’t save you from mistakes. Watch as chaos unfolds, try not to have an aneurysm. #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is too busy flattering Capricorn to gift you balance, #Libra. Expect to trip over your own indecision and call it ‘grace.’ ☁️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars left you for colder Capricorn pastures, #Scorpio. I know, betrayal hurts. Practice your death glare in the mirror, someone should suffer, right? #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury’s crashing at your place, #Sagittarius, so you’ll share hot takes and cold pizza, no one wants either. Another episode of: ‘Was that supposed to be wisdom?’ #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Congrats, nearly everything’s in your sign, #Capricorn. Soak it up, there’s enough responsibility here to asphyxiate a robot. Work harder, you affectionless automaton. #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto just moved in, #Aquarius, and now you’re networking with the ghosts in your WiFi. Change the world? You can’t even change your username. #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Your landlord, Saturn, just hiked the rent on your delusions, #Pisces. Time to drown in reality for once. Don’t worry, you float best in fantasy anyway. 🌀 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 6° 29' |
| moon in aries | 9° 2' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 22° 35' |
| venus in capricorn | 4° 10' |
| mars in capricorn | 9° 37' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 52' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 56' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 3' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 27' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 35' |
