Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 24th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, #Aries: Mercury’s in Libra, so when you open your mouth, expect blank stares and worse. Your “bold ideas” will impress exactly no one. Maybe silence is the new you? 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Feeling off, #Taurus? Venus in Virgo says even your stubborn laziness can’t outpace your growing irrelevance. Enjoy being overlooked by everyone but your bills. 🧾 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
#Gemini, with Mercury in Libra you’ll talk twice as much and say half as little. You think you’re clever, but you’re only noise pollution. Try listening? Nah, didn’t think so. #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter in Cancer gives you ‘big feelings’, how original. Cry into your pillow, #Cancer, the Moon won’t save you from your own melodrama. Even your potted plant looks fed up. #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The Sun’s shifted to Libra, sorry #Leo, you’re not the main character anymore. It’s killing you, isn’t it? Go ahead, whine to someone who cares, oh wait, there’s no one. 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus in Virgo: time for your annual meltdown over crumbs on the counter. #Virgo, your perfectionism isn’t charming, it’s hazardous. Find a hobby before you nitpick yourself bald. #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
#Libra, Moon, Sun, Mercury, what a crowded mess, like your love life. Extra indecision today: you’ll take six hours choosing a salad and end up hungry. Impressive uselessness. #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars just crawled into Scorpio, so #Scorpio, you’re extra terrifying and twice as tiresome. Brood in the corner all you want, nobody’s intimidated, they’re avoiding you for fun. #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
No planets to boost your mood, #Sagittarius. Just do what you do best, run fast from your problems, straight into the wall. Try not to hurt yourself this time. 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s ignoring you and Venus is, too. #Capricorn, your grind leads nowhere today. Climb all you want, the mountain’s a pile of dirty laundry. Take the hint and rest (ha). #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto in Aquarius: get ready for wild ideas nobody likes, #Aquarius. Your rebellion is as annoying as buffering WiFi. Start a revolution, lose all your friends, classic you. #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
#Pisces, Saturn’s making sure you feel every regret you swore you got over. Neptune’s here too, just to confuse you. Drown in your feelings or your bathtub, star choices. #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in libra | 1° 12' |
| moon in libra | 25° 30' |
| mercury in libra | 9° 42' |
| venus in virgo | 5° 28' |
| mars in scorpio | 1° 7' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 33' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 17' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 19' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 44' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 27' |
