Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 25th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars and Moon in Scorpio? You’ll spend today stewing in rage, gnawing your own foot and blaming others. Be bold, burn bridges, then wonder why nobody RSVP’s. #aries 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus in Virgo says even your attempts at luxury reek of thrift store sadness. Make a spreadsheet of your failures, you’ll file it under ‘consistent disappointment.’ #taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
With Mercury in Libra, you’ll try to charm both sides. Spoiler: your fence-sitting is so obvious, even the fence is embarrassed. Stop talking, start meaning it. #gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter in Cancer makes your mood swings larger than your waistline, which is impressive. Hide in your shell, the world’s tired of guessing if you’re crying or plotting. #cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s lost in Libra, finally, nobody cares about your drama. You’ll demand a stage and get a broom closet. Bask in the applause you imagine. #leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus in Virgo, your toxic perfectionism is peaking. Polishing silverware, but you’re still garbage on the inside. Enjoy alphabetizing your regrets. #virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Sun and Mercury in Libra and yet… still as indecisive as ever. If you had a spine, you’d break it choosing lunch. Keep balancing, clumsy tightrope wannabe. #libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Moon and Mars cluster in Scorpio, paranoid, petty and vengeful. Plot all you want, you’re still a tragic extra in everyone’s story. #scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Every planet’s passing you by. Shoot your shot, but your arrow’s made of rubber. Keep pretending everything’s an adventure, it’s mostly running in circles. #sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s packing its bags in Pisces and you’re left managing the chaos. Nothing says ‘leadership’ like slow decay and clinging to control. Fake composure, real disaster. #capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s whispering sweet nothings, translation: nobody likes your ‘revolutionary’ ideas. Stay weird, but try not to shock yourself this time. #aquarius #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
With Saturn and Neptune’s cosmic soup, your boundaries are about as strong as soggy tissue. Float along, but expect another existential nosebleed. #pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in libra | 2° 11' |
| moon in scorpio | 7° 27' |
| mercury in libra | 11° 23' |
| venus in virgo | 6° 41' |
| mars in scorpio | 1° 47' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 41' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 13' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 18' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 43' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 27' |
