Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 26th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Libra Sun and Mercury say think before acting, but that's impossible for you. Run into walls, then blame the stars. Same brain, different bruise. #Aries 🧱 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus in Virgo sharpens your laziness to artisanal levels. You’d nap through an earthquake, then whine the pillow wasn’t silk. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury in Libra: you sound smart, yet say nothing. Congrats, Gemini! You win a gold medal in pointless babble, again. #Gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon in Scorpio? Fantastic, now you’re emotional and out for blood. Time to guilt-trip people so hard they develop allergies. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sorry, Leo, no one’s noticing you today, not even the Sun in Libra cares. Go scream at a mirror for attention. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus in Virgo makes you pickier than ever. If perfection existed, you’d complain it was too perfect. Alone with your spreadsheets, again. #Virgo 📊 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra Sun and Mercury: peak indecision. File your taxes or pick a snack? Either way, you’ll regret it for days. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Moon and Mars in Scorpio: you’re a vengeful soap opera villain with a mood swing kink. Nobody’s safe, and honestly, you love it. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Nobody cares about your wisdom, Sag. Jupiter in Cancer wants tears, not travel plans. So philosophize alone in your messy room. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Authority issues? Saturn in Pisces can’t help, and neither can you. Expect wild failure with a side of existential whining. #Capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto in Aquarius makes you yearn to be edgy, but you’re still just a group chat weirdo. Revolt quietly, nobody’s impressed. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn in Pisces: your sob story is tired. Tell it to the fish. Hold a pity parade, if only so someone finally attends. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in libra | 3° 10' |
| moon in scorpio | 19° 19' |
| mercury in libra | 13° 3' |
| venus in virgo | 7° 55' |
| mars in scorpio | 2° 28' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 49' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 8' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 18' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 41' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 26' |
