Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 27th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congratulations, #Aries. With Mars wheezing in Scorpio, your rage is all bark, no bite. Go ahead, charge into the void, you'll just trip over your own ego. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey #Taurus, Venus is blowing you a kiss from Virgo, but all you’ll get is a to-do list and a mirror showing just how boring you truly are. Enjoy rearranging your mediocrity. 🪞 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury in Libra's got you talking in circles, again. #Gemini, you’ll bore your friends to death, then blame them for being shallow. Even you can’t keep up with your lies. 🦜 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s in Cancer, but don’t get cocky, #Cancer. Your mood swings aren’t charisma, they’re emotional whiplash. Save us the tears, we’ve run out of buckets. 🪣 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun stuck in Libra, #Leo? You’re not a spotlight, you’re a weak candle trying to charm a dim room. Go ahead, demand applause, no one’s looking up. 🕯️ #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus may be in Virgo, but romance for you means alphabetizing your regrets. #Virgo, try not to judge your partner’s breathing today. Seriously. 📋 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Sun and Mercury are lurking in your sign, #Libra, and yet you’re still indecisive as ever. If self-contradiction were currency, you’d finally be rich. 💸 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars is home, #Scorpio, but you still can’t sting without tripping over your inferiority complex. Go ahead, glower from the shadows. No one’s scared. 🕷️ #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
The Moon's in your sign, #Sagittarius, so emotionally, you’re a toddler hopped up on sugar. Try not to gallop straight into another life lesson. 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
With Pluto trolling Aquarius, your #Capricorn power plays are extra pathetic. Scheme all you want, the only ladder you’re climbing is made of your own tears. 🪜 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s poking your ego, #Aquarius. You think you’re a rebel, but you’re just another contrarian with Wi-Fi. Shock us, the mute button works great. ⚡ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn’s dragging its feet through Pisces, #Pisces. All your dreams now come with a manual and a deadline. Float on your cloud, reality’s already laughing. ☁️ #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in libra | 4° 9' |
| moon in sagittarius | 1° 10' |
| mercury in libra | 14° 43' |
| venus in virgo | 9° 9' |
| mars in scorpio | 3° 8' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 57' |
| saturn in pisces | 28° 3' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 17' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 39' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 26' |
