Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 28th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mercury's rolling its eyes at you, Aries. Run your mouth, trip over your shoelaces, again. You're not brave, just loud. #Aries 😂 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is sulking in Virgo, and so are you, money tight, love awkward, snacks half-stale. Even cows have more fun. #Taurus 😒 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Moon in Sag is wagging its finger, Gemini. Your gossip isn’t clever, it’s desperate. Everybody’s tuning you out. #Gemini 🙉 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
With Mars sneering from Scorpio, your shell looks extra flimsy, Cancer. Get ready to cry over milk that isn't even yours. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun's stuck in Libra, Leo, so much for that spotlight. You’re not bold, just annoying in a tasteful font. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus in your sign, Virgo. Instead of love, you get the urge to alphabetize your regrets. Nobody's impressed. #Virgo 📚 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Sun, Mercury both in Libra, so double the dithering. Decisions? Not today. Not ever. Have fun ghosting yourself. #Libra 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars barely crept into Scorpio, but you’re still overcompensating. Edgy? Please. More like a moody raccoon. #Scorpio 🦝 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Moon in Sag makes you want to run, but you’ll trip on your own self-importance. Nobody needs your hot takes. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Jupiter in Cancer, Saturn drowning in Pisces. Ambition? More like existential dread. Keep climbing… down. #Capricorn 🪦 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto scraping at Aquarius: Revolution? Please. Go back to reorganizing your sock drawer with the rest of the weirdos. #Aquarius 🧦 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune's just barely awake in Aries. Your dreams are on snooze, and so is everyone listening to you ramble. #Pisces 😴 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in libra | 5° 7' |
| moon in sagittarius | 13° 2' |
| mercury in libra | 16° 21' |
| venus in virgo | 10° 22' |
| mars in scorpio | 3° 49' |
| jupiter in cancer | 22° 5' |
| saturn in pisces | 27° 59' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 15' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 38' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 25' |
