Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on September 29th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mercury in Libra says chill, but you only know headbutting walls. Venus in Virgo wishes you had taste. Try whining less. Maybe then someone will listen. Wishful thinking. #aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus in Virgo sharpens your laziness into clinical procrastination. Sun in Libra outshines you, you’re just background furniture. Stop grazing, start living. Nah, not happening. #taurus 🍃 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Moon in Sagittarius tugs your mouth open, it never shuts. Mercury laughs: your words are noise pollution. Win a debate? Try winning friends. Or a mute button. #gemini 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter in Cancer fluffs up your feelings bigger than your ego. Mars in Scorpio: everyone sees when you sulk. Build yourself a shell annex for your drama. #cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun in Libra? Sorry, Leo, you’re off-center, off-stage, and no one’s applauding your melodrama. Go comb your mane in private. Spotlight’s closed for repairs. #leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus in your dull sign, so why are you still so unlikable? Mercury in Libra says make friends, but your criticisms smell like antiseptic. Touch grass. #virgo 🦗 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Sun & Mercury in your sign, so congrats, your indecision is now contagious. Venus in Virgo drains your charm. Try picking a side. Or two. Nobody’s impressed. #libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars lurks in Scorpio, so your rage is a leaky nuclear reactor. Venus in Virgo: all sting, zero seduction. Try a hug, if you can compute basic affection. #scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Moon’s in your sign and so is your brain fog. Mercury in Libra asks for tact, but you miss. Again. Shooting arrows at your own feet, as usual. #sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Jupiter in Cancer softens your iron resolve into wet cardboard. Mars in Scorpio says work harder, but you’re just plotting resentment. Climb your sad little hill. #capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Uranus in Gemini thinks you’re quirky, but everyone’s tired of your rebellious TED talks. Saturn in Pisces says feel something, anything. Try human, just for kicks. #aquarius 💧 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn in your sign, Neptune’s hallucinating nearby. Daydream yourself a backbone, Pisces. All those tears and still nobody’s mopping after you. #pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in libra | 6° 6' |
| moon in sagittarius | 25° 0' |
| mercury in libra | 17° 58' |
| venus in virgo | 11° 36' |
| mars in scorpio | 4° 30' |
| jupiter in cancer | 22° 12' |
| saturn in pisces | 27° 54' |
| uranus in gemini | 1° 14' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 36' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 25' |
