Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on February 13th, 2026. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
The Sun snubs you, Moon’s cold, and Mercury whispers lies in your ear. Keep charging, #aries, straight into another mess. Maybe Mars will send flowers to your ER bed. 🚑 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is busy comforting water signs, so you’ll have to cuddle your own ego, #taurus. Uranus might shake your comfort zone, try not to faint on your silk sheets. 🐮 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s drunk in Pisces, so your ‘wit’ today is just gibberish. Keep babbling, #gemini, maybe someone will pretend to listen. Or maybe even the mirror gets bored. #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s stuck in Capricorn, emotionally constipated, just like you, #cancer. Go cry about it. Or don’t. The stars sure don’t care. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The Sun’s dancing elsewhere, and you can’t stand it. Reality check, #leo: not even the planets want to witness your neverending show. Dim your spotlight. 🪞 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s lost in Pisces, Venus is lost too, guess you’ll just nitpick your misery without any solutions, #virgo. Go alphabetize your regrets. 📎 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is wading in Pisces, which means your charm’s officially waterlogged, #libra. Try flirting with a mop, it'll be less unimpressed than everyone else today. #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Pluto’s cackling from Aquarius, Mars is occupied, bad news, #scorpio: your venom has no bite. Sulk harder, maybe someone will notice. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Jupiter’s deep in Cancer, full of feelings, gross, right? #sagittarius, your usual optimism is now just cringe. Try shutting up for once. 🦃 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon’s camping in your sign and all you get is guilt, anxiety, and zero payoff. Build another wall, #capricorn. Maybe it’ll keep your failures in. #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
You think you’re special because Sun, Mars, and Pluto are hanging out? Relax, #aquarius, planetary attention isn’t a participation trophy. Go invent a reason to matter. 🪐 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Mercury and Venus are sloshing through your sign, turning your brain to soup. #pisces, enjoy your beautiful confusion, nobody’s coming to rescue you this time. #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in aquarius | 24° 16' |
| moon in capricorn | 2° 8' |
| mercury in pisces | 10° 13' |
| venus in pisces | 3° 13' |
| mars in aquarius | 16° 8' |
| jupiter in cancer | 16° 11' |
| saturn in pisces | 29° 53' |
| uranus in taurus | 27° 29' |
| neptune in aries | 0° 29' |
| pluto in aquarius | 4° 4' |
