Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 9th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Still sprinting into disaster? Mars and Mercury mock your life choices. Try thinking before you smash, but hey, losing spectacularly is your #Aries brand. 🏴☠️ #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus shudders at your comfort zone. Moon’s in Cancer, so expect more brooding, less moving. Your stubbornness could kill a cactus. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s flaming your mouth. You’ll talk nonsense so fast even your reflection tunes out. Fill the silence with your own disappointment. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon's in your sign, so crank those crocodile tears. No one cares, Cancer. The world’s not your therapist and neither am I. #Cancer 😭 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s busy elsewhere, so you’re just another loud shade in the background. No bowing crowds. Go praise yourself alone. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus and Mars say perfection is canceled, your attempts will bring only embarrassment. Go alphabetize regrets. #Virgo 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Scorpio leaves you charming as rotten fruit. Your 'balance' is just taking turns being fake. #Libra 🍂 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun and Venus in your swamp, soak up drama! Poison your own plans for a change, save us all the hassle. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury and Mars give you mania with a bonus foot-in-mouth moment. Go ahead, burn bridges, you never learned directions anyway. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s sulking, Neptune’s weeping, match their energy. Work harder at pretending you aren’t teetering on the edge. #Capricorn 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto in your yard: the revolution’s canceled, your ideas are moldy, and Uranus says you’re extra weird, even for you. #Aquarius ♒️ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune and Saturn bless you with max confusion. Keep chasing dreams, Pisces, reality already left you on read. #Pisces 🫧 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 16° 50' |
| moon in cancer | 5° 26' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 6° 48' |
| venus in scorpio | 2° 34' |
| mars in sagittarius | 3° 12' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 8' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 28' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 57' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 38' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 31' |
