Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 24th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars in Sagittarius says run headfirst into disaster, your favorite sport. Don't trip over your own ego. When brains were handed out, you missed the starting gun. #aries 🪓 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Moon in Capricorn stomps all comfort flat. Guess you’ll graze on disappointment today. Sleep in, or just keep pretending your laziness is a virtue. #taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury broods in Scorpio, so now your gossip is less witty, more toxic spill. Maybe try not talking for once? Silence would improve you. #gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter bloats your feelings, just what the world needed, more crabby tantrums. Cry harder, you'll still get nothing but eye-rolls. #cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun blazes in Sagittarius, but you’ll still find a way to be outshone. Not every day is about you, try therapy instead of demanding applause. #leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus and Mercury squabbling in Scorpio? All your nitpicking today is less 'helpful' and more 'soul-annihilating.' Congrats, you’re a buzzkill. #virgo 🦠 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Scorpio: Your love life is a crime scene. Put down the shovel, you can’t charm your way out of this trench. #libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury, Venus, and your own witchy sign, imagine a swamp of secrets and erotic confusion. You’re not mysterious, just intolerable. #scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun and Mars camp in your sign, so OF COURSE you’re a reckless showoff. Try humility, if you can spell it. #sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon’s glum in your sign, so you’ll be twice as joyless and three times as bossy. Try not being the villain in your coworkers’ origin stories. #capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s doing interpretive dance in your sign. Prepare for dramatic self-sabotage. At least chaos makes you feel important. #aquarius 🌀 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune tangled up, your dreams are just expensive delusions. Go touch grass before your fantasies drown you. #pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 1° 57' |
| moon in capricorn | 12° 35' |
| mercury in scorpio | 23° 47' |
| venus in scorpio | 21° 23' |
| mars in sagittarius | 14° 7' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 53' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 10' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 20' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 26' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 45' |
