Moody Astrologer

Mars in Sagittarius hands you a megaphone for your idiocy. Yell louder, baby ram, so everyone knows how little you actually know. Try not to trip over your ego. #Aries 🙄 #astrology #horoscope

Hey, Taurus, Uranus just sent another wake-up call, but you’ll nap through it and call it self-care. Enjoy being a sentient rock in a landslide. #Taurus 🪨 #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s sulking in Scorpio, so yes, everyone hates your opinions just as much as you fear. Gossip harder, Gemini, maybe someone will listen (besides you). #Gemini 📣 #astrology #horoscope

Moon’s slumming it in Capricorn, squashing your feelings like a bug. Cry about it, Cancer, but do it in private: no one cares. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Sun’s left the party, Leo, but your ego still can’t find the exit. Keep roaring. Maybe someone, somewhere, is impressed. Spoiler: nobody is. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

You love details, Virgo. Mercury in Scorpio makes yours pitch-dark and irrelevant. Go ahead and alphabetize your failures, the stars aren’t helping. #Virgo 📚 #astrology #horoscope

Venus in Scorpio has you chasing ‘deep’ love like a moth after a bonfire. Enjoy the burn, Libra, codependency never looked so desperate. #Libra 🔥 #astrology #horoscope

All your planets are moody and vengeful, Scorpio, perfect for plotting against people who already forgot you exist. Congrats on weaponizing insecurity. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Sun and Mars in your sign, Sag. Finally, the excuse you needed to bulldoze tact and look for adventure in your own rear end. Nice arrows, shame about the aim. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope

Moon in your sign, Capricorn, whee, emotional constipation deluxe! Rule the world from your fortress of ice. The peasants aren’t grateful. #Capricorn 🧊 #astrology #horoscope

Pluto is sneaking into Aquarius, your ‘rebellion’ is just edgy cosplay. Try changing the world, but don’t trip on your own tinfoil hat. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope

Neptune and Saturn throw a pity parade in Pisces. Drown in your dreams, fish boy, while reality quietly steals your wallet. Tears won’t buy you a life raft. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope