Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 23rd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars in Sagittarius hands you a megaphone for your idiocy. Yell louder, baby ram, so everyone knows how little you actually know. Try not to trip over your ego. #Aries 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey, Taurus, Uranus just sent another wake-up call, but you’ll nap through it and call it self-care. Enjoy being a sentient rock in a landslide. #Taurus 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s sulking in Scorpio, so yes, everyone hates your opinions just as much as you fear. Gossip harder, Gemini, maybe someone will listen (besides you). #Gemini 📣 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s slumming it in Capricorn, squashing your feelings like a bug. Cry about it, Cancer, but do it in private: no one cares. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s left the party, Leo, but your ego still can’t find the exit. Keep roaring. Maybe someone, somewhere, is impressed. Spoiler: nobody is. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
You love details, Virgo. Mercury in Scorpio makes yours pitch-dark and irrelevant. Go ahead and alphabetize your failures, the stars aren’t helping. #Virgo 📚 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Scorpio has you chasing ‘deep’ love like a moth after a bonfire. Enjoy the burn, Libra, codependency never looked so desperate. #Libra 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
All your planets are moody and vengeful, Scorpio, perfect for plotting against people who already forgot you exist. Congrats on weaponizing insecurity. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun and Mars in your sign, Sag. Finally, the excuse you needed to bulldoze tact and look for adventure in your own rear end. Nice arrows, shame about the aim. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon in your sign, Capricorn, whee, emotional constipation deluxe! Rule the world from your fortress of ice. The peasants aren’t grateful. #Capricorn 🧊 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto is sneaking into Aquarius, your ‘rebellion’ is just edgy cosplay. Try changing the world, but don’t trip on your own tinfoil hat. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune and Saturn throw a pity parade in Pisces. Drown in your dreams, fish boy, while reality quietly steals your wallet. Tears won’t buy you a life raft. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 0° 56' |
| moon in capricorn | 0° 33' |
| mercury in scorpio | 24° 55' |
| venus in scorpio | 20° 8' |
| mars in sagittarius | 13° 23' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 56' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 10' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 23' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 27' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 44' |
