Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 25th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars in Sagittarius, eh? All muscle, zero aim. Bullheaded, loud, and about as subtle as a sledgehammer. Congrats on blundering into another disaster. #Aries 🪓 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus twitching in your sign, expect boredom with a lightning bolt of humiliation. Stay still, bull, and enjoy being nature’s doormat. #Taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s sulking in Scorpio, so your ‘charm’ is toxic as ever. Open your mouth, kill the vibe, classic #Gemini. At least you’re consistent! 🦋 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s loose in your sign, Cancer. Go ahead, bubble up those feelings, everyone’s waiting for your next emotional meltdown. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s far from center stage. Leo, you’ll do anything to be seen, even embarrass yourself in public. Go purr in a corner. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus in Scorpio says even your nagging is creepier than usual. Analyze that, Virgo, while nobody listens. #Virgo 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus drowned in Scorpio, sorry, Libra, love is poison this week. You’re not irresistible, just irritable. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury & Venus tag-teaming your sign, everyone’s sick of your melodrama and sting. Don’t worry, you’re still not mysterious, just exhausting. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun and Mars boozing together, perfect, Sag: more fire, more dumb decisions. You’ll run with scissors just because you can. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon’s rotting in Capricorn, soak up that emotional constipation. Nobody needs your stone-cold advice today. #Capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto in Aquarius and you’re still convinced you’re smarter. Congrats, now you’re just obnoxious and wrong, but louder. #Aquarius 🚀 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn & Neptune drowning your rotted fish-heart. All your dreams will sink. Swim in circles, call it spirituality. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 2° 57' |
| moon in capricorn | 24° 45' |
| mercury in scorpio | 22° 49' |
| venus in scorpio | 22° 39' |
| mars in sagittarius | 14° 51' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 51' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 9' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 17' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 26' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 46' |
