Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 26th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Look at you, Aries, charging in clueless while everyone else upgrades to brains. Moon screams ‘rebel’, but you’re just rebelling against common sense. Trip over your own ego today. #Aries 🚧 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is in Scorpio, Taurus, so your stubbornness is less ‘solid rock,’ more ‘swamp muck’, congrats on digging your heels in quicksand. Dull, predictable, and now slightly smellier. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s in Scorpio, Gemini, so your ‘charm’ is basically lying with extra steps. Try talking less today, the silence will only improve your image. #Gemini 🤐 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, Jupiter pumps up those feelings just when nobody wants them. Hope your shell’s thick, because you’re about to drown everyone in melodrama, again. #Cancer 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, the Sun’s in Sagittarius and all you want is attention, but the stars are busy laughing at you. Strut if you must, but nobody’s watching. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, Mercury in Scorpio sharpens your critique to ‘public menace’ level. Newsflash: rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic won’t save you. #Virgo 🗑️ #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus in Scorpio makes you crave romance with the emotional grace of a caffeinated squirrel. Good luck finding balance, today, it’s an inside joke. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Wow, Scorpio, Mercury and Venus right at home, so basically you’re even more insufferable. Everyone’s tired of your ‘mysterious’ nonsense. Shut up, slither back to your lair. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun and Mars let you cosplay as philosopher-warrior, Sagittarius. Still, you’re all hype, no wisdom. Save your epic speeches, nobody cares. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn squares your Capricorn soul, so what’s new? Another day pretending you’re in control, while the real power slips through your grasp. Pathetic and on-brand. #Capricorn 🦴 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Moon and Pluto crash your sign, Aquarius. Revolutionary? Please. You’re a weirdo on a soapbox, shouting into the void. Keep ‘changing the world’, I need the laughs. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune and Saturn in Pisces means more delusions, less dignity. It’s impressive, really, how you turn escape into an art form. Go nap, you’re useless awake. #Pisces 💤 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 3° 58' |
| moon in aquarius | 7° 4' |
| mercury in scorpio | 22° 1' |
| venus in scorpio | 23° 54' |
| mars in sagittarius | 15° 35' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 48' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 9' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 15' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 25' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 47' |
