Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 27th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, Aries: both Moon and Mars say act first, regret later, so barrel through today like a rabid bull. Maybe try thinking first? Nah, didn’t think so. #Aries 🧨 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Your stubbornness meets a surprise Uranus slap. Don't worry, Taurus, you'll still refuse to change, just more loudly. At least your boredom is predictable. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s brooding, so your nonstop yapping gets extra toxic. Talk circles all you want, Gemini. Everyone’s checked out after sentence two. #Gemini 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s making you inflate every sob story, and Moon in Aquarius means no one cares. Cry into your casserole, Cancer. Your comfort zone won’t hug you back. #Cancer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
You crave applause, Leo, but with Venus brooding and the Moon in Aquarius, everyone else would pay to mute you. Try humility, a new low for you! #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury and Venus are grumpy and so are you. Nitpick away, Virgo, but nobody’s impressed. Your lists are still useless. Declutter your attitude. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
You dream of balance, Libra, but Venus is scheming and your charm is six feet under. Flirt elsewhere, Cupid’s on strike. #Libra 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury and Venus camp in Scorpio: poison everywhere. Plot away, Scorpio, but trust issues are lonely hobbies. Dig your own grave and decorate it yourself. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun and Mars fuel your delusions, Sagittarius. Run wild and reckless, just don’t whine when the cliff appears. Who needs facts anyway? #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon in Aquarius? Saturn in your dreams? Good luck, Capricorn. Climbing your mountain of misery with even less support. Savor the solitude. #Capricorn 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Aquarius Moon perks you up, finally, someone as detached as you. Try emotion for once, or don’t. No one is waiting for you to join the party. #Aquarius ⚡️ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune fog and Saturn’s cold shoulder: your favorite combo, Pisces. Wallow away, but when you finally wake up, reality’s going to slap harder than I ever could. #Pisces 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 4° 59' |
| moon in aquarius | 19° 38' |
| mercury in scorpio | 21° 24' |
| venus in scorpio | 25° 10' |
| mars in sagittarius | 16° 20' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 45' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 9' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 12' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 25' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 49' |
