Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 28th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars is in Sagittarius, so your ego's bigger than your brains today. Charge in, Aries, just don’t blame me when you hit the brick wall. #Aries #Faceplant 🚧 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is festering in Scorpio, Taurus. Good luck seducing anyone, they can smell your desperation all the way from last week. #Taurus #TrySoap #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s sulking in Scorpio, Gemini. Even your famous wit reeks of try-hard sarcasm. Choke on your own punchline. #Gemini 💬🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s crying in Pisces, Cancer. So, you’re extra moody and twice as pathetic. Maybe fill the tub with your tears. #Cancer 🦀🚱 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s in Sagittarius but you’re still not the center, Leo. Keep roaring, everyone’s busy watching TikTok instead. #Leo #Irrelevant #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s brooding in Scorpio, so your nitpicking hits new lows. Congrats, Virgo: everyone hates you, but they’re too polite to say. #Virgo 📋🔪 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is drowning in Scorpio. Sorry, Libra, no charm, no balance. Just chaos and awkward silences. Sound familiar? #Libra 🎭😶 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
All your planets are here, Scorpio, and still you manage to make brooding look boring. Please, tell us more about your deep pain. #Scorpio 🦂💀 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun and Mars in your sign, Sagittarius, and still: all bark, no aim. Gallop in circles, everyone’s too bored to watch. #Sagittarius 🏹🐴 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
With Pluto tiptoeing into Aquarius, you’re clinging to relevance like a barnacle, Capricorn. Time to retire that power suit, fossil. #Capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s moving into your sign, Aquarius. Ready to overthrow the system? You’ll just end up ranting on Twitter, as always. #Aquarius 📢🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Moon, Neptune, and Saturn in Pisces, triple threat of delusion. Swim deeper, Pisces, maybe you’ll finally drown out reality. #Pisces 🐟🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 6° 0' |
| moon in pisces | 2° 29' |
| mercury in scorpio | 20° 59' |
| venus in scorpio | 26° 25' |
| mars in sagittarius | 17° 4' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 42' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 9' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 10' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 25' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 50' |
