Moody Astrologer

Mars is in Sagittarius, so your ego's bigger than your brains today. Charge in, Aries, just don’t blame me when you hit the brick wall. #Aries #Faceplant 🚧 #astrology #horoscope

Venus is festering in Scorpio, Taurus. Good luck seducing anyone, they can smell your desperation all the way from last week. #Taurus #TrySoap #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s sulking in Scorpio, Gemini. Even your famous wit reeks of try-hard sarcasm. Choke on your own punchline. #Gemini 💬🙄 #astrology #horoscope

Moon’s crying in Pisces, Cancer. So, you’re extra moody and twice as pathetic. Maybe fill the tub with your tears. #Cancer 🦀🚱 #astrology #horoscope

Sun’s in Sagittarius but you’re still not the center, Leo. Keep roaring, everyone’s busy watching TikTok instead. #Leo #Irrelevant #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s brooding in Scorpio, so your nitpicking hits new lows. Congrats, Virgo: everyone hates you, but they’re too polite to say. #Virgo 📋🔪 #astrology #horoscope

Venus is drowning in Scorpio. Sorry, Libra, no charm, no balance. Just chaos and awkward silences. Sound familiar? #Libra 🎭😶 #astrology #horoscope

All your planets are here, Scorpio, and still you manage to make brooding look boring. Please, tell us more about your deep pain. #Scorpio 🦂💀 #astrology #horoscope

Sun and Mars in your sign, Sagittarius, and still: all bark, no aim. Gallop in circles, everyone’s too bored to watch. #Sagittarius 🏹🐴 #astrology #horoscope

With Pluto tiptoeing into Aquarius, you’re clinging to relevance like a barnacle, Capricorn. Time to retire that power suit, fossil. #Capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope

Pluto’s moving into your sign, Aquarius. Ready to overthrow the system? You’ll just end up ranting on Twitter, as always. #Aquarius 📢🤡 #astrology #horoscope

Moon, Neptune, and Saturn in Pisces, triple threat of delusion. Swim deeper, Pisces, maybe you’ll finally drown out reality. #Pisces 🐟🌊 #astrology #horoscope