Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 29th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars has you charging like a headless chicken into disaster. #Aries, ever tried thinking before acting? Nah, that’d require a brain. 💥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is drowning in Scorpio, so expect your laziness to reach new depths. #Taurus, you’d sleep through an earthquake if carbs were involved. 💤 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s moody in Scorpio and so are you, except dumber. #Gemini, nobody needs your opinions this week, but you won’t shut up anyway. 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s weeping in Pisces, so go ahead and out-sulk everyone. #Cancer, your feelings aren’t deep, they’re just bottomless pits of self-pity. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius Sun says shine, but you’re just a smoke machine at this point. #Leo, the world called, it wants less drama and fewer cringe selfies. 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury skulking in Scorpio turns your obsessing into sheer paranoia. #Virgo, nobody cares about your color-coded spreadsheets, except you, nerd. 📉 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is all dark and twisted. #Libra, your fake charm couldn’t smooth over this dumpster fire of a week. Flattery won’t save you now. 🕊️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury and Venus both in your pit, no wonder you’re extra toxic. #Scorpio, people avoid you like a tax audit, and for good reason. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun and Mars in your sign, delusion and chaos reign. #Sagittarius, your ‘wisdom’ today is just loud nonsense, again. 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Moon and Saturn sobbing in Pisces, so you’ll stoically pretend you’re not falling apart. #Capricorn, schedule a cry between meetings, robot. 🧱 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto's peeking your way, but you’re still a walking contradiction. #Aquarius, rebellion just to be annoying isn’t a personality. 🧊 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Moon, Saturn, and Neptune conspire to make you the town hallucination. #Pisces, even your daydreams are embarrassing. Snap out of it! 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 7° 0' |
| moon in pisces | 15° 42' |
| mercury in scorpio | 20° 45' |
| venus in scorpio | 27° 41' |
| mars in sagittarius | 17° 48' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 39' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 9' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 8' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 24' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 51' |
