Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 30th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars in Sagittarius, but you still trip over your own ego. All fire, no aim. Try not to burn down anything important today, #aries. 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
With Uranus hanging over you, even your stubbornness feels outdated. Let it go, #taurus, or just moo at the void like usual. 🐮 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s skulking in Scorpio, so your 'witty' banter is just venom. Gossip more, maybe someone will finally care, #gemini. 🐍 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s weeping in Pisces, but no one’s coming to your pity party, #cancer. Cry harder, maybe Neptune will send a fish. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
The Sun abandoned you for Sagittarius. Don’t worry, #leo, you still shine, just like a dumpster fire at midnight. 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus and Mercury in Scorpio turn your nagging into outright sabotage. Clutch that spreadsheet, #virgo, nobody’s impressed. 📋 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
With Venus hiding in Scorpio, your charm’s gone soggy. Flirt anyway, #libra. Someone might mistake desperation for style. 🍸 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury, Venus, and the power trip are all in your swamp. Congrats, #scorpio, you’re extra toxic today. Even snakes need a day off. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun and Mars in your court, and yet you’ll still leap without looking. Aim for the stars, miss the ground, as always, #sagittarius. 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s moaning in Pisces, so prepare for extra misery, #capricorn. Ambition isn’t a substitute for a soul. Get one. 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto just moved in. No, you can’t evict it. Prepare for existential dread, #aquarius, finally a feeling you can’t intellectualize. 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Moon, Saturn, and Neptune in your pond, triple the delusion. Dream bigger, #pisces, but wipe the drool off your pillow first. 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 8° 1' |
| moon in pisces | 29° 21' |
| mercury in scorpio | 20° 42' |
| venus in scorpio | 28° 56' |
| mars in sagittarius | 18° 33' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 35' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 9' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 5' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 24' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 52' |
