Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 1st, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon’s cranked your volume, Aries. Yell louder, maybe someone will care before you explode. Mistake passion for wisdom yet again. Congrats. #aries 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus fled, Taurus. Wallet light? So's your brain. Just keep eating, numb the dread. The universe isn’t your buffet. #taurus 🥀 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s snuggling Scorpio: time for your mouth to dig a pit you can’t talk your way out of, Gemini. Try silence, it might suit you. #gemini 🙃 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s smothering, just like you, Cancer. Cling harder, watch them run faster. Tears are your only hobby now. #cancer 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s in Sagittarius, Leo. You’re invisible for once. Try humility, but you’ll fail, you need applause like air. Hold the drama. #leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s deep in Scorp land, Virgo. Overanalyze a dust mote today, miss the avalanche. You’re not saving anyone, especially not yourself. #virgo 🦠 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus moved on, Libra. So did your last shred of self-respect. You’ll flirt with disaster, it’s the only thing giving you attention now. #libra 💔 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury spotlight on you, Scorpio. Time to overshare secrets, then play victim. Plot all you want, no one’s listening. #scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun, Venus, Mars, fireworks, Sag! Burn every bridge for fun. 'Accidentally' offend the world, then blame the cosmos. Clown shoes fit? #sagittarius 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Pluto creeps in, Capricorn. Feel that itch? It’s irrelevance. Another day grinding while everyone ignores your suffering. Boohoo. #capricorn 🧱 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto knocked, Aquarius, but nobody home, just weird ideas. Rebel against the obvious, achieve nothing. At least you’re original. #aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune say swim deeper, Pisces. Just drown in your own daydreams. Sobbing is free, but therapy isn’t. #pisces 🩸 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 9° 2' |
| moon in aries | 13° 27' |
| mercury in scorpio | 20° 50' |
| venus in sagittarius | 0° 11' |
| mars in sagittarius | 19° 17' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 32' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 9' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 3' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 23' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 54' |
