Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 9th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Look, Mars blows hot wind through Sagittarius, all mouth, no moves. Run into a wall, blame the universe. Typical. Good luck with that tantrum. #Aries 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is off having fancier affairs in Sagittarius, so you’re stuck eating cold leftovers, again. Enjoy mediocrity, lumbering bull. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Scorpio Mercury means your words sting, but mostly yourself, drama-moth. Go ahead, talk your way out of another awkward spiral. #Gemini ☁️ #astrology #horoscope
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s roasting in Leo, sorry, your feelings get burnt to a crisp today. Hide in your shell, nobody’s interested in your sob story. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
A Leo Moon gives you the spotlight you crave. Sadly, nobody’s clapping. Perform harder, you needy golden retriever. Life’s not theater. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury slithers in Scorpio, making your criticisms extra venomous. If only you nagged less and fixed yourself more, broken robot. #Virgo 🧹 #astrology #horoscope
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is wild in Sagittarius, so your fake harmony crashes and burns. Everyone sees through your peacekeeping, fragile as your ego. #Libra 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury's lurking at home: you’re the master manipulator nobody listens to. Plot away, but it’s just you and your reflection, creep. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Every planet’s crashing your house, so brace for chaos. All those grand ideas, none of the follow-through. Classic mess, centaur. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn’s still dragging through Pisces, so you’re crying at your desk while pretending to work. Suck it up, mountain goat, no one cares. #Capricorn 🗻 #astrology #horoscope
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto sneaks into Aquarius, but don’t get excited, you’re still weird, still ignored. Try starting a cult. It couldn’t get any lonelier. #Aquarius 💧 #astrology #horoscope
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune wallow in Pisces. Dreams evaporate, reality bites, and you’re a soggy doormat for the zodiac. Drown quietly. #Pisces 🦑 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 17° 9' |
| moon in leo | 12° 23' |
| mercury in scorpio | 26° 34' |
| venus in sagittarius | 10° 15' |
| mars in sagittarius | 25° 15' |
| jupiter in cancer | 23° 56' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 15' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 43' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 5' |
