Moody Astrologer

Congrats, Aries. With Mars snuggled up to the Sun in Sagittarius, your bravado’s at ‘delete browser history’ levels. Rage first, regret later. Burn everything, then blame the ash. #Aries 🏹 #astrology #horoscope

Taurus, Uranus is taunting your security blanket. Spoiler: It catches fire. Try adapting, oh, right, you’d rather move a mountain one spoonful at a time. Moo-ve along. #Taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s drowning in Scorpio, Gemini. Even your two-faced chit-chat sounds like a bad conspiracy. Spin your web, trip on it, and whine on Twitter. #Gemini 🕸️ #astrology #horoscope

Cancer, Jupiter’s bloating your feelings till you’re a one-crab sob story. Cry now, deflect later, your mood swings are officially a swing set. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Leo, the Moon’s throwing you a tantrum parade. You might as well invoice your friends for the privilege of enduring your drama. Gag us with your roar. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

Virgo, the planets give you…nothing. Literally. That’s how much you matter today. Go alphabetize your regrets, nobody cares. #Virgo 📎 #astrology #horoscope

Libra, Venus is off chasing Sagittarius delusions, so your charm is as useful as a plastic tiara. Go balance your checkbook, love ain't buying it. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s getting comfy in your shadows, Scorpio. Everyone’s onto your games, but you’ll keep plotting while pretending not to sulk. Gloat, then ghost. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Sagittarius, the Sun, Venus, and Mars are triple-dosing your ego. Good luck squeezing your head through the door without combusting. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope

Capricorn, your emotional range is a Saturnian spreadsheet, cold, endless, and depressing. Call your accountant, not your therapist. #Capricorn 🧊 #astrology #horoscope

Pluto in Aquarius means everyone expects transformation. What’s new? You’re still weird, but now it’s just exhausting. Innovate boredom, why don’t you. #Aquarius 🛸 #astrology #horoscope

Pisces, Saturn and Neptune double-booked your pity party. Dream big, fail bigger. Try swimming straight for once. Nah, didn’t think so. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope