Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 10th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, Aries. With Mars snuggled up to the Sun in Sagittarius, your bravado’s at ‘delete browser history’ levels. Rage first, regret later. Burn everything, then blame the ash. #Aries 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, Uranus is taunting your security blanket. Spoiler: It catches fire. Try adapting, oh, right, you’d rather move a mountain one spoonful at a time. Moo-ve along. #Taurus 🐂 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s drowning in Scorpio, Gemini. Even your two-faced chit-chat sounds like a bad conspiracy. Spin your web, trip on it, and whine on Twitter. #Gemini 🕸️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, Jupiter’s bloating your feelings till you’re a one-crab sob story. Cry now, deflect later, your mood swings are officially a swing set. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, the Moon’s throwing you a tantrum parade. You might as well invoice your friends for the privilege of enduring your drama. Gag us with your roar. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, the planets give you…nothing. Literally. That’s how much you matter today. Go alphabetize your regrets, nobody cares. #Virgo 📎 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus is off chasing Sagittarius delusions, so your charm is as useful as a plastic tiara. Go balance your checkbook, love ain't buying it. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury’s getting comfy in your shadows, Scorpio. Everyone’s onto your games, but you’ll keep plotting while pretending not to sulk. Gloat, then ghost. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, the Sun, Venus, and Mars are triple-dosing your ego. Good luck squeezing your head through the door without combusting. #Sagittarius 🎯 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, your emotional range is a Saturnian spreadsheet, cold, endless, and depressing. Call your accountant, not your therapist. #Capricorn 🧊 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto in Aquarius means everyone expects transformation. What’s new? You’re still weird, but now it’s just exhausting. Innovate boredom, why don’t you. #Aquarius 🛸 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Saturn and Neptune double-booked your pity party. Dream big, fail bigger. Try swimming straight for once. Nah, didn’t think so. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 18° 10' |
| moon in leo | 25° 57' |
| mercury in scorpio | 27° 41' |
| venus in sagittarius | 11° 31' |
| mars in sagittarius | 26° 0' |
| jupiter in cancer | 23° 50' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 17' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 41' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 6' |
