Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 11th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
You wake up thinking you’re a hero, but with #Aries flailing under Virgo Moon, all you’ll conquer is your emails, and badly at that. Mars says go, wisdom says no 🪓. #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey #Taurus, cling to your comfort zone all you want, Venus is busy vacationing in Sagittarius, so your chances of love or luxury are as dead as your ambitions. 🐂💤 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s brooding in Scorpio, so your witty #Gemini banter comes off as desperate prattle. Keep talking, maybe someone will pretend to care. 🦗 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Fragile #Cancer, clutch your pearls, Jupiter boosts your drama, but the Moon won’t save you from drowning in your own mopiness. Call your mother, she’s busy. #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
#Leo, the only spotlight on you is from a train and you’re tied to the tracks. Sagittarius Sun sets you ablaze, but all you create is smoke. 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Your precious plans, #Virgo? The Moon’s in your sign and you’re irritating everyone with perfectionist nonsense. Congrats on being the office virus. 🦠 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Balanced? #Libra, please. Venus forgot you exist, so your charm is DOA. Try networking, unless you want rejection as your star sign. ☠️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
#Scorpio, Mercury’s sulking in your corner, so your ‘deep insights’ sound like bitter rants. Plot all you want. No one fears you. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
#Sagittarius, the Sun, Venus, and Mars are in your yard but you still can’t get your life together. Brag louder, maybe someone will believe you. 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
#Capricorn, Saturn whispers responsibility, but you’re too tired to fake it. Chase those dreams… into a ditch. No one will notice your absence. ⛰️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
The only thing rebellious about you, #Aquarius, is your inability to shut up about your quirks. Pluto’s here, enjoy your irrelevant identity crisis. 🫧 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Float away, #Pisces. Neptune and Saturn muddle your brain into mush. You couldn’t spot reality with a telescope and a guide dog. 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 19° 11' |
| moon in virgo | 9° 2' |
| mercury in scorpio | 28° 51' |
| venus in sagittarius | 12° 46' |
| mars in sagittarius | 26° 45' |
| jupiter in cancer | 23° 45' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 18' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 39' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 8' |
