Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 12th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
MOON in Virgo says: Your to-do list has seen more action than you this year. Go ahead, pick a fight you’ll lose. Again. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus in Sagittarius is sending you a bill: all that comfort eating and Netflix will cost you. Spoiling yourself? You’d eat straw if someone wrapped it in gold. #Taurus 💸 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury in Sagittarius makes your mouth run wild with ‘truth bombs’, AKA lies. You call it wit, others call it ‘why are you like this?’ #Gemini 🤥 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter tried to bless you but you’re so busy hiding in your shell it missed. Your feelings are not a personality, try again. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun in Sagittarius says: Your need for attention is so desperate, even the stars wince. Maybe not every room needs your entrance. #Leo 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Moon in Virgo amps up your neurosis to Olympic levels. Anxiety isn’t a hobby, but you collect it anyway. Congrats? #Virgo 🧹 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Sagittarius just cranked your indecision to a fever pitch. Can you even pick an outfit without existential dread? #Libra 🪞 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in Sagittarius: Your sting is more whine than bite lately. Stop plotting, start living, or are both too much work? #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars in Sagittarius? The universe is trolling us by letting you think you matter. Kindly shut up. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Neptune and Saturn in Pisces fog up your plans so hard, your famous ambition just faceplants. Get used to eating dust. #Capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto creeping in Aquarius: You think you’re revolutionary? Please. You’d riot if it trended, then post about it. #Aquarius 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune tag-team your dreamworld. Reality check: you’re not special, just lost. And wet. Good swim. #Pisces 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 20° 12' |
| moon in virgo | 21° 42' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 0° 4' |
| venus in sagittarius | 14° 2' |
| mars in sagittarius | 27° 30' |
| jupiter in cancer | 23° 39' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 19' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 36' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 9' |
