Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 13th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congratulations, #Aries. With all these planets crowding Sagittarius, your ego swells to match your delusions. Try not to set yourself on fire while showing off. 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey #Taurus, with Venus cavorting in a sign that isn’t yours, even your snacks taste bland and your bank account mourns. Spend less, sulk more. 🥀 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s lost in Sagittarius, so #Gemini, your words have never made less sense. Keep talking though, the silence when you stop is actually pleasant for everyone else. 🦗 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s bored in Libra and Jupiter won’t save you, #Cancer. You’re needy, whiny, and still no one cares. Maybe try hugging a brick wall. #OverIt #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
A Sagittarius Sun and Mars means you’re twice as insufferable as normal, #Leo. Don’t worry, the universe only cringes a little when you step into a room. 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Micromanage this, #Virgo: Mercury is a clown right now. No amount of lists will fix your hot mess life today. Perfection? Not in this timeline. 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Moon in #Libra means your indecision has reached legendary stupidity. Balance this: nobody cares. Pick a side, any side, just stop whining already. #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
#Scorpio, none of the juicy planets can be bothered with you, so go back to brooding in your pit of pettiness. Sorry, not even Pluto’s interested. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sag planets junkyard! #Sagittarius, you’re drunk on cosmic chaos. Nobody likes a manic philosopher. Tone down the wild-eyed optimism. #MidlifeCrisis #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
#Capricorn, you’re as cold and useful as Saturn in Pisces, totally washed up. Try leading with a personality instead of a spreadsheet for once. 🧊 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto just peeked in, #Aquarius, and still couldn't care less about your ‘vision.’ Rebellion is dull when it’s just whining for internet points. #TryHard #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
With Neptune and Saturn smothering your dreams, #Pisces, your head’s even further up in the clouds. Try reality, just for shock value. ☁️ #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 21° 13' |
| moon in libra | 4° 2' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 1° 19' |
| venus in sagittarius | 15° 17' |
| mars in sagittarius | 28° 15' |
| jupiter in cancer | 23° 34' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 21' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 34' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 11' |
