Moody Astrologer

Moon choking your fire, Mars sulking in Scorpio. Try not to implode today, #Aries, no one wants your volcanic tantrums all over their shoes. 0% charm, 100% chaos. 🧨 #astrology #horoscope

Venus in Libra says ‘refined,’ but you’re still one rung above garden furniture. Relax, #Taurus, life’s not a picnic, and your snacks suck anyway. #astrology #horoscope

Mercury in Scorpio twists your tongue into knots, congrats, #Gemini, now your lies are even less convincing. People already tuned you out, so talk louder, why don’t you? 📢 #astrology #horoscope

Jupiter in your soggy little shell but Moon’s off in Virgo, scrubbing your feelings. #Cancer, you’ll never be clean, so stop crying and start plotting revenge. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Sun’s lost in indecisive Libra. Sorry, #Leo, no throne for you, hope you like being just another background extra. Try not to roar, nobody’s listening. #astrology #horoscope

Moon in your sign and still, you’re a walking anxiety burrito. #Virgo, your OCD won’t save you from today’s disasters. Embrace imperfection, or drown in it. 🐍 #astrology #horoscope

Sun and Venus both in your corner, but you’re still vapid as ever. #Libra, charm can’t fill the void where your personality should be. Keep smiling, maybe no one will notice. #astrology #horoscope

Mercury and Mars slither through your swamp. #Scorpio, too bad intensity can’t buy friends. Try subtlety, or don’t. I enjoy your spectacular train wrecks. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Nothing in your lane except your runaway mouth. #Sagittarius, try thinking before you tweet, oh wait, we’d miss the comedic gold of your failures. 🎯 #astrology #horoscope

Saturn's watching you like a disappointed parent. #Capricorn, crush those dreams harder, life’s not a summit, it’s an avalanche. Shovel faster. #astrology #horoscope

Pluto crept into your weird zone, lucky us. #Aquarius, your “original ideas” belong in a dumpster fire, not TED Talk. Next revolution, try duct tape. 🚮 #astrology #horoscope

Neptune wants you to daydream, Saturn wants you to mope. #Pisces, you’ll do both and achieve neither. Float on, space cadet, reality can wait. 🦑 #astrology #horoscope