Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on November 4th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congratulations, #Aries: your Moon’s tantrum is visible from space. Try not to combust with self-importance today, leave some oxygen for the rest of us. 🧨 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus is wincing in Libra, but you’ll still chase comfort food and petty drama. Keep grazing, #Taurus, maybe you’ll finally stuff that emotional void. 🍩 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s out joyriding in Sagittarius, so your mouth is running sprints while your brain naps. #Gemini, have you ever finished a thought? Didn’t think so. 🦜 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s bloated in Cancer, inflating your neediness. You think you’re nurturing, #Cancer, but really you’re just stage-five clinger with attachment issues. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars is showing Scorpio’s ego how it’s done, so you’re feeling invisible. Sorry, #Leo, but the spotlight called, said it’s booked for actual talent. 🙅♂️ #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Venus is trying to polish Libra, but you’re already perfect, right? Keep nitpicking, #Virgo. Maybe one day you’ll find a flaw in your own reflection. 🪞 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in your house? Even she’s tired of your fence-sitting. #Libra, make a decision for once, or I’ll do it for you and it’ll be cruel. ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Sun in Scorpio: your season, your illusion of power, your mess. Enjoy pretending you’re mysterious, #Scorpio, while everyone just calls you ‘unstable’. 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury’s in Sagittarius, so your mouth’s writing checks your brain can’t cash. No, #Sagittarius, no one wants your unsolicited wisdom today. 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Pluto’s creeping toward Aquarius, but don’t worry, #Capricorn: you’ll still fail to control literally anything but your own misery. 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s got you thinking you’re edgy, #Aquarius. Try harder, even Uranus in Gemini’s bored of your rebel routine. Yawn. 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn’s in Pisces, so you’re all tears and existential whining. #Pisces, grow up: if you want sympathy, buy a goldfish. 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in scorpio | 11° 49' |
| moon in aries | 19° 47' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 4° 45' |
| venus in libra | 26° 18' |
| mars in scorpio | 29° 36' |
| jupiter in cancer | 25° 3' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 39' |
| uranus in gemini | 0° 9' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 44' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 28' |
