Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 2nd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon’s lurking in your sign, Aries, so your emotions are louder than your mouth (which is saying something). Try thinking before charging, oh wait, you never do. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
With Uranus frying your comfort zone, Taurus, cling to routine all you want, life’s about to bulldoze your cozy rut. Hope you like chaos. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s bored in Scorpio and your brain’s on airplane mode. Geminis, gossip more, maybe something intelligent will slip out by accident. #Gemini 🦋 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Venus is too busy with Sagittarius to give you affection, Cancer. Curl up in your shell and sob, your default move anyway. No one’s coming to save you. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Mars in Sagittarius calls for courage, Leo. Sadly, you’re only brave if there’s a mirror nearby. Loud, proud, and empty as usual. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s rolling its eyes at you from the depths of Scorpio. Virgo, analyze this: nobody cares about your color-coded spreadsheets. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus has moved on, Libra, but you’re still posting #aesthetic selfies and craving attention. Spoiler: no one likes your fake ‘balanced’ persona. #Libra #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury’s nesting in Scorpio, so now you’re convinced you’re psychic. Please, everyone knows you just stalk people online. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun, Venus, and Mars are stacking up, don’t get excited, Sagittarius. Triple the chaos, not triple the luck. World’s not your playground, it’s your disaster zone. #Sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Jupiter’s tired in Cancer and Saturn’s moping in Pisces. Capricorn, you’ll work hard for zero applause. Enjoy another week as the universe’s underpaid intern. #Capricorn #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto just checked in, time for another ‘rebellious’ phase, Aquarius. Cool story, but you’ll quit halfway and call it a revolution. #Aquarius 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn’s in Pisces, so reality keeps slapping your dreamy face. Go back to bed. It’s the only place your life makes sense. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 10° 3' |
| moon in aries | 28° 1' |
| mercury in scorpio | 21° 8' |
| venus in sagittarius | 1° 27' |
| mars in sagittarius | 20° 2' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 28' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 10' |
| uranus in taurus | 29° 0' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 23' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 55' |
