Moody Astrologer

Congrats, #aries, Moon in Taurus means you’re stuck in rut-mode, but Mars in Sagittarius ensures you’ll sprint straight into every brick wall. Wear a helmet, thick skin, and heavy boots. Maybe don’t get up at all. 🪨 #astrology #horoscope

Wow, #taurus, both Moon and Uranus crash in your house. Hope you like earthquakes in your comfort zone. Your routine will be ruined, which is tragic, since it was pathetic to begin with. 🚧 #astrology #horoscope

With Mercury sulking in Scorpio, #gemini’s legendary wit turns into weaponized whining. Those around you will wish you had an off-switch, or at least a mute button. Consider silence, it’ll be revolutionary. #astrology #horoscope

Sun, Venus, and Mars ignore you, #cancer, so you’re twice as clingy and none the cuter. Jupiter shoves you over the emotional edge, enjoy drowning in your own saltwater tears. Lifevest not included. 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Venus in Sagittarius, #leo, turns your charisma into circus clown energy. People are laughing, but not with you. Don’t quit your day job or your delusions, they’ll come in handy for denial. #astrology #horoscope

Mercury in Scorpio leaves #virgo brooding. Congratulations, you’ve unlocked ‘overthinking but spicy’ mode, where your criticisms are sharper, but your friends drop like flies. Try being bearably dull. #astrology #horoscope

Libra, only you could make this cosmic chaos look boring. Venus in Sagittarius makes you act out, but no one’s impressed, except maybe a stray pigeon. You always were the beige crayon of the zodiac. 🕊️ #libra #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s camping in your sign, #scorpio, turning your words into venomous little needles. Try not to alienate everyone, you might miss having victims to manipulate when you’re done sulking. #astrology #horoscope

Sun, Venus, Mars in Sagittarius? The universe hands you a megaphone and you still manage to say nothing useful. #sagittarius, you’re an inspirational poster stapled to a dumpster fire. #astrology #horoscope

Capricorn, Jupiter smiles on you like payday, but you’ll spend it on existential dread. Saturn in Pisces drags you back down with guilt, so enjoy the rollercoaster, your happy face looks so forced. 🪙 #capricorn #astrology #horoscope

Pluto entering Aquarius? Oops, #aquarius, your entire vibe is now ‘trying too hard to be edgy.’ If rebellion was a hairstyle, yours is a bowl cut. Stop before you start an ironic cult. #astrology #horoscope

Pisces, Saturn and Neptune have merged to create a swamp of delusion. You’re the star, but only in your own fever dream. Everyone else is just trying not to inhale the fumes. 😵‍💫 #pisces #astrology #horoscope