Moody Astrologer

Mars couldn't save you from your own stupidity if it tried. Charging headfirst, like usual, straight into a brick wall. Hope your horns are insured. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope

Moon and Uranus both loitering in Taurus, like two stubborn cows in a field, one’s weeping, one’s flipping the fence. Still won’t move. You’re the pasture. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s brooding in Scorpio, which means your words sting less than a damp match. Your charm? About as sharp as a bowling ball. #Gemini 🎭 #astrology #horoscope

Jupiter tried blessing you, Cancer, but you’d cry over spilt milk even if it was spilled by the gods. Wipe your tears, they're embarrassing everyone. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope

Venus flopped into Sagittarius, so good luck finding someone impressed by the circus you call a love life. You’re not the main act, you’re the clown car. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s off brooding, so you’ll catch every mistake, except your own glaring inadequacy. Nitpick all you want, perfection avoids you like the plague. #Virgo 🕵️‍♂️ #astrology #horoscope

Venus left you on read, Libra. Balance? Please, you can’t even decide which lie to tell yourself first. Enjoy choking on indecision. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope

Mercury sits in Scorpio. Bad news: all your secrets are showing, and nobody cares. Your mystery act is about as original as a rerun. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

Sun, Mars, Venus, what a crowd, all fighting for attention in your sign. YOU'RE STILL BORING. Enthusiasm isn’t personality, try developing one. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope

Saturn sulking in Pisces? Making your fake ambition soggy. Give it up, Capricorn. Your Everest is just a molehill, dressed up in delusion. #Capricorn 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope

Pluto pokes at Aquarius, so naturally you’ll obsess over some doomed revolution. The future isn’t bright, and neither are you. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope

Neptune and Saturn in Pisces: All the confusion of a wet napkin, all the structure of jelly. Your plan has more holes than your memory. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope