Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 4th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Mars couldn't save you from your own stupidity if it tried. Charging headfirst, like usual, straight into a brick wall. Hope your horns are insured. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Moon and Uranus both loitering in Taurus, like two stubborn cows in a field, one’s weeping, one’s flipping the fence. Still won’t move. You’re the pasture. #Taurus 🐄 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s brooding in Scorpio, which means your words sting less than a damp match. Your charm? About as sharp as a bowling ball. #Gemini 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter tried blessing you, Cancer, but you’d cry over spilt milk even if it was spilled by the gods. Wipe your tears, they're embarrassing everyone. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus flopped into Sagittarius, so good luck finding someone impressed by the circus you call a love life. You’re not the main act, you’re the clown car. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s off brooding, so you’ll catch every mistake, except your own glaring inadequacy. Nitpick all you want, perfection avoids you like the plague. #Virgo 🕵️♂️ #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus left you on read, Libra. Balance? Please, you can’t even decide which lie to tell yourself first. Enjoy choking on indecision. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury sits in Scorpio. Bad news: all your secrets are showing, and nobody cares. Your mystery act is about as original as a rerun. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun, Mars, Venus, what a crowd, all fighting for attention in your sign. YOU'RE STILL BORING. Enthusiasm isn’t personality, try developing one. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn sulking in Pisces? Making your fake ambition soggy. Give it up, Capricorn. Your Everest is just a molehill, dressed up in delusion. #Capricorn 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto pokes at Aquarius, so naturally you’ll obsess over some doomed revolution. The future isn’t bright, and neither are you. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune and Saturn in Pisces: All the confusion of a wet napkin, all the structure of jelly. Your plan has more holes than your memory. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 12° 4' |
| moon in taurus | 28° 12' |
| mercury in scorpio | 22° 9' |
| venus in sagittarius | 3° 58' |
| mars in sagittarius | 21° 31' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 19' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 11' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 55' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 23' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 58' |
