Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 5th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Moon in Gemini frazzling your last brain cell, enjoy spewing empty ideas no one asked for. Maybe lose an argument, or just your dignity. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus wants adventure but you want snacks. Guess you'll spend today glued to the couch judging everyone productive. Hashtag luxury, minus ambition. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Moon in your sign: time to be twice as annoying. Social butterfly? More like gossipy mosquito. Everyone sees through your chatter. #Gemini 🦋 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s blessing you with 'potential', too bad you’ll nap through it. Feelings galore, initiative zero. Go hug your pillow and cry about it. #Cancer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s off gallivanting in Sagittarius, leaving you attention-starved. Wildly overact your minor setbacks, no one’s buying your drama today. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s in Scorpio, so you’ll overthink everything to death, then resent people for not reading your mind. Amazing, another self-made crisis! #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Sag ignites your commitment issues, flee any relationship requiring effort. Choices? Doomed. Balance? LOL. #Libra 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury in your sign, and you still can't articulate a feeling without threatening someone. Paranoia buffet, served cold as usual. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mars, Venus, Sun, your sign’s crowded but your plans still suck. Annoy everyone with ‘wisdom’ while failing basic adulthood. #Sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn's dragging you through existential sludge. Ambition = pretending you don’t hate everyone at work. Climb your mountain of misery. #Capricorn 🪓 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto baby-steps into your sign. Think you’re a changemaker? Please. You’re as edgy as a rubber spoon. #Aquarius #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune + Saturn in your abyss: enjoy another round of delusions, self-pity, and baffled sighs from your friends. Swim in circles, drama guppy. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 13° 5' |
| moon in gemini | 13° 33' |
| mercury in scorpio | 22° 51' |
| venus in sagittarius | 5° 13' |
| mars in sagittarius | 22° 16' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 15' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 11' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 53' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 1° 59' |
