Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 6th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius overload, huh? Good luck fighting for attention, Aries. Mars just shoved you to the back of the cosmic buffet. Stay mad. #Aries 🍖 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
You crave stability, Taurus, but Uranus is flipping your life like a pancake. Hope you like chaos syrup with that bland routine. #Taurus 🥞 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Moon’s in your business, Gemini, so expect mood swings bigger than your ego. Try talking your way out of that, oh wait, you already are. #Gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s dropped an emotional anvil on your shell, Cancer. Keep hiding, no one misses your melodrama anyway. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sag planets stealing your spotlight, Leo. That’s rough, kitty, no crowd to adore you, just empty applause echoing in your head. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s skulking in Scorpio and you’re more paranoid than usual. Go ahead, alphabetize your anxieties. Spoiler: Still a mess. #Virgo 🧹 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus flirts in Sagittarius, ditching you for something shiny. Balance? Please. You couldn’t decide on socks, let alone life. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury’s in your sign, Scorpio. Gossip all you want, but no one cares about your brooding. You’re deep, not profound. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sun’s burning in your yard, Sag. You’re the loudest fool at the party, as usual. May your optimism survive reality. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Saturn and Neptune just dumped more dread into your to-do list, Capricorn. Go ahead, climb that pointless mountain for applause no one gives. #Capricorn 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto whispers ‘transformation,’ but you’re too busy acting smug to notice. Keep rebelling, rebel, no one’s impressed. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune are spooning in your sign, Pisces. Enjoy crying about your grand dreams while reality eats your lunch again. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 14° 6' |
| moon in gemini | 28° 47' |
| mercury in scorpio | 23° 39' |
| venus in sagittarius | 6° 29' |
| mars in sagittarius | 23° 0' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 10' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 12' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 50' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 0' |
