Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 7th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Hope you like running headfirst into emotional brick walls, Aries, Moon in Cancer means mushy feelings, but Mars says charge anyway. Try not to cry when you lose. #Aries 🚧 #astrology #horoscope
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Venus left you out in the cold, Taurus. All the comfort you crave? Sorry, spend the week clutching your wallet and homemade pie, weeping. #Taurus 🥀 #astrology #horoscope
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury is skulking in Scorpio, Gemini. Translation: everyone thinks you’re lying and you probably are. Don’t bother. Your charm’s expired. #Gemini 💀 #astrology #horoscope
Cancer
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Look, Moon is home, Cancer. Does it help? No. Double the mood swings and triple the melodrama. Build another pillow fort and whimper inside. #Cancer 🌧️ #astrology #horoscope
Leo
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Sun’s not shining on your ego, Leo, try Sagittarius fire for a change. You’ll just burn brighter as the world politely rolls their eyes. Sit down, sparkle-paws. #Leo 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Obsess away, Virgo, Mercury in Scorpio means you’ll notice every flaw but can’t fix a damn thing. Congratulations on achieving Ultimate Uselessness. #Virgo 🧹 #astrology #horoscope
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus is off adventuring, Libra, and left your hopeless indecision to rot. If you pick a side this week, it’ll only be the wrong one. Again. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mercury oozes through your shadows, Scorpio. You’re extra venomous, but everyone expects it. Shocking no one with your ‘mysterious’ routine. Yawn. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Half the sky is in your sign, Sagittarius, so, surprise, you’re unbearable. Prepare for foot-in-mouth disease and loud, tragic optimism. #Sagittarius 🍾 #astrology #horoscope
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
All that drive, Capricorn, but Saturn’s foggy in Pisces. You’ll climb nowhere. Try organizing your despair. Make a spreadsheet, cry into it. #Capricorn ☕ #astrology #horoscope
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
With Pluto barely waking up in your sign, Aquarius, you’re at peak weirdo. No one cares about your ‘innovations.’ Try acting human. #Aquarius 🛸 #astrology #horoscope
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Neptune and Saturn in Pisces form the Meltdown Dream Team. You’re lost in delusion and guilt, and somehow STILL boring. #Pisces 🪱 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in sagittarius | 15° 7' |
| moon in cancer | 13° 46' |
| mercury in scorpio | 24° 33' |
| venus in sagittarius | 7° 44' |
| mars in sagittarius | 23° 45' |
| jupiter in cancer | 24° 6' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 13' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 48' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 22' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 2' |
