Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 22nd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, Aries. Mars in Capricorn turns your usual tantrums into cold, corporate backstabbing. You’re ruthless now, but still too dumb to get a promotion. #Aries 💼 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Hey Taurus, with Uranus still frying you and Venus ignoring you, your love life’s more stale than your sock drawer. Enjoy hugging your overpriced crystals. #Taurus 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Gemini, Mercury in Sagittarius means your mouth’s even louder and dumber than usual. Go ahead, overshare, watching you tank your own reputation is my new sport. #Gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Cancer, with that cold Moon and Sun in Capricorn, you’re stuck in emotional Siberia. Go ahead, cry about it, but no one’s sending you a rescue party. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Leo, everyone’s attention is elsewhere now. Your drama isn’t even background noise. It hurts, doesn’t it, when the Sun literally can’t be bothered by you? #Leo 🎭 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s too busy backpacking in Sagittarius, so your obsession with order is now a hot mess. Clean that up, Virgo, oh wait, you can’t, you’re spiraling. #Virgo 🧹 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus rolling with Sagittarius means your famed charm is pure clown material. Nothing you say lands. Good luck flirting with all seven brain cells. #Libra 🎪 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Scorpio, Mars in Capricorn brings out your plotting side, but you’re outclassed and outgunned. Slink back to your swamp and scheme on your own time. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, Venus and Mercury in your sign just means more impulsive disasters than usual. Wallet empty, dignity gone. You tried, champ. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Capricorn, the Sun, Moon, and Mars are staging a cringefest in your honor. All this power, and still no one likes you. Work harder, die madder. #Capricorn 🧊 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s stretching into Aquarius, but don’t get excited: you’re still an oddball nobody understands. Get used to mumbling to yourself in the corner. #Aquarius ⏳ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Saturn and Neptune want you to finally get real, but daydreaming is your only skill. Time to panic: reality’s knocking. You’re not answering. #Pisces 🌊 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 0° 22' |
| moon in capricorn | 21° 51' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 13° 43' |
| venus in sagittarius | 26° 37' |
| mars in capricorn | 5° 3' |
| jupiter in cancer | 22° 36' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 39' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 15' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 24' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 25' |
