Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 23rd, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Bored, Aries? That’s the Sun and Mars grinding your spirit into paste. Go headbutt a wall, you’ll lose, and that’s the most excitement you’ll have all month. #Aries 😂 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, Uranus just rolled its eyes at your ‘unchanging routine.’ Congratulations: even the planets find you dull. Maybe try moving, your shadow’s getting tired. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s in Sagittarius, so your words are even emptier than usual, Gemini. Keep yammering, perhaps you’ll convince yourself you’re interesting. #Gemini #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Jupiter’s got you ‘feeling things,’ Cancer. Guess what? No one cares, and the Moon’s already ditched you for Aquarius. Go cry into your shell. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Venus in Sagittarius wants you glamorous, Leo, but all it does is amplify your neediness. Cling to the spotlight, no one else is fighting you for it. #Leo #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, Mercury’s reckless and Mars thinks you’re a doormat. You’re overanalyzing your own mediocrity. You’re not perfect. You’re just exhausting. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra, Venus couldn’t help you pick a side if it tried. Still aimlessly balancing on the fence? Splinters look good on you. #Libra #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Mars in Capricorn laughs at your drama, Scorpio. For once, your mysterious glare is just constipation from too much bottled rage. Scowl on, detective. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Sagittarius, the party’s over. Mercury & Venus in your sign mean even your wildest lies sound desperate. No one’s buying your adventure stories. #Sagittarius #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Sun, Mars, Pluto: the unholy trinity is in Capricorn. Try not to grind all your enemies into fertilizer, you’re already cold enough. #Capricorn ⚰️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto and the Moon join forces: time to spiral, Aquarius. Your rebellion now comes with extra self-loathing and alienation. Stay weird, loner. #Aquarius 👽 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Pisces, Saturn and Neptune have you dissolving into a puddle, per usual. Your escapism isn’t deep, it’s just lazy. Try reality sometime. #Pisces #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 1° 23' |
| moon in aquarius | 4° 12' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 15° 11' |
| venus in sagittarius | 27° 52' |
| mars in capricorn | 5° 49' |
| jupiter in cancer | 22° 29' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 42' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 13' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 25' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 27' |
