Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 24th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, #Aries, Mars says charge! Right into another wall, no doubt. Your head isn’t just hard, it’s empty. Try thinking before you act, but don’t strain the single brain cell. 🧱 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Stubborn? No, Taurus, Venus says you’re just a decorative boulder, unmoved by progress or logic. Enjoy standing still while everyone waltzes past your snoring ass. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s prancing in Sagittarius, so your mouth is running faster than your thoughts. Typical. If ignorance was currency, you’d be a millionaire. #Gemini 🗣️ #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Moon’s in Aquarius, Cancer, so your usual sulking is now internet-accessible whining. Post away. The block button was invented because of people like you. #Cancer #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
No Sun for you, Leo, just Capricorn shade. Try to roar when nobody’s clapping. Your ego’s a bonfire, too bad everyone brought marshmallows, not applause. #Leo 🔥 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Mercury’s off galloping with fire signs, Virgo, so your obsession with perfection is just more nitpicking. File your spreadsheets, it won’t fix your personality. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus says run along and chase shiny things, Libra. Your diplomacy is just indecisiveness with better shoes. Charm won’t fix your chronic fence-sitting. #Libra 👠 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
You think you’re dark and mysterious, #Scorpio? Mars in Capricorn says you’re just brooding in the corner, plotting… nothing. Even your secrets are boring. #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury and Venus crash your party, Sagittarius. Too bad your idea of a good time is boring everyone to death with ‘truth bombs.’ Explosive? More like dud. #Sagittarius 💣 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Sun, Mars, Pluto, Capricorn, you’re a cosmic control freak with the emotional range of a filing cabinet. Don’t mistake your ‘focus’ for charisma. #Capricorn 🗂️ #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Moon in your sign, Aquarius, so all your so-called ‘revolutions’ are mood swings no one cares about. Save the world, maybe? Or just tweet about it. #Aquarius 🌪️ #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn and Neptune tag-team you, Pisces. Enjoy drifting into another daydream while responsibilities eat you alive. Reality calls, you don’t pick up. #Pisces 📞 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 2° 25' |
| moon in aquarius | 16° 41' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 16° 39' |
| venus in sagittarius | 29° 8' |
| mars in capricorn | 6° 34' |
| jupiter in cancer | 22° 21' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 45' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 11' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 25' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 29' |
