Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 25th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Everyone's in Capricorn and you're still headbutting walls for fun. Mars sneers. Run into traffic, not challenges. #Aries 🐏 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Moon’s leaving Aquarius, but you won’t notice, too busy hugging your wallet. Enjoy the Venus freeze, you greedy garden gnome. #Taurus #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury is rolling Sagittarius dice today. Your mouth runs faster than your brain can crash. Trip over your own cleverness, #Gemini. #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
Sun, Venus, Mars in Capricorn say: shut up and toughen up. But you’ll probably cry about it, little crablet. Wipe your shell. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
With every planet ignoring you, expect less of everything, except humiliation. Hide your mane, you’re today’s cosmic punchline. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Capricorn demands you work harder. Congratulations, you’ll spiral into micromanaged misery. Productivity fueled by self-loathing. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Capricorn makes you as charming as stale bread. Try flirting, watch people recoil like you sneezed battery acid. #Libra ⚖️ #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Moon & Pluto loiter in Aquarius, your secrets leak faster than your trust issues. Try controlling that, you discount supervillain. #Scorpio #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury’s in your lazy backyard but you still sound like a drunken philosopher. No, nobody bought your wild theories. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Sun, Venus, Mars... All eyes on you. Too bad they see a sweaty workaholic scraping for validation. Keep climbing, hamster. #Capricorn 🐐 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Moon’s bailing from Aquarius, take the hint. Your ‘quirky rebellion’ is just loud shrieking in an empty room. Cringe. #Aquarius #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Saturn & Neptune in Pisces: Boundaries or delusions? You have neither. Try staying conscious for 10 minutes. Doubt it. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 3° 26' |
| moon in aquarius | 29° 23' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 18° 7' |
| venus in capricorn | 0° 23' |
| mars in capricorn | 7° 20' |
| jupiter in cancer | 22° 14' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 47' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 9' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 26' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 30' |
