Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 26th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Congrats, Aries: Mars in Capricorn wants you to run headfirst into brick walls, again. Maybe this time, the wall will actually feel bad. Doubt it. #Aries 🙄 #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Taurus, with Venus lost in cold Capricorn, you’re basically an emotional glacier. Send hugs, preferably to yourself, since no one else cares. #Taurus 💤 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s galloping through Sagittarius, Gemini, so your mouth is running faster than your brain, again. Try talking less, it's your only hope. #Gemini 🤐 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
A soggy Pisces Moon has you extra soggy, Cancer. Cry it out, sweet crustacean. No one’s listening. Still, A+ for effort. #Cancer 🦀 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Good news, Leo! With all the planets in dull Capricorn, you’re invisible. Maybe take a day off from being dramatic, no one claps anyway. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Virgo, Capricorn overload means your nitpicking is next-level tedious. Even spreadsheets can’t save you from existential boredom. #Virgo 📊 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Libra: Venus is cold, your charm froze over, and no one’s buying your fake peace. Smile more, it won’t help, but at least you’ll look confused. #Libra 😶 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
With Mars in deadpan Capricorn, Scorpio, you’ve got the sting of a damp sock. Scheming? Cute. No one’s threatened. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury in your hollowed halls, Sagittarius. Bragging louder than usual? Newsflash: We’re still not interested. Sit down. #Sagittarius 🏹 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Congrats, Capricorn! This is your planetary rave, yet you’re still miserable. Achievement unlocked: Supreme Bore. Take a nap. #Capricorn 🪨 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s sniffing around Aquarius now, so expect big changes, in how little anyone cares about ‘your vision.’ Start a cult, maybe? #Aquarius 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
The Moon swims in your sorry waters, Pisces. Stunning, now you’re extra-mopey. Drown yourself in daydreams, real life sure won’t save you. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 4° 27' |
| moon in pisces | 12° 18' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 19° 36' |
| venus in capricorn | 1° 39' |
| mars in capricorn | 8° 6' |
| jupiter in cancer | 22° 7' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 50' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 7' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 26' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 32' |
