Horoscopes
What follows are horoscopes as they presented themselves on December 27th, 2025. Fragments of cosmic mockery carved into mortal fate. Read them if you dare, but know this: the heavens care nothing for your hopes, and the stars will not blink when they burn you.
Mar 21 - Apr 19 • Fire Sign
Feeling ambitious with Mars in Capricorn? Good luck. That mountain you’re climbing is just a molehill to everyone else. Enjoy your delusions of leadership, #Aries. 🏔️ #astrology #horoscope
Apr 20 - May 20 • Earth Sign
Uranus in your dull sign still can’t shock you into originality. Same routine, same blandness. Try blinking, that’s brave for you. #Taurus 😴 #astrology #horoscope
May 21 - Jun 20 • Air Sign
Mercury’s running its mouth in Sagittarius, so you’ll talk a big game and annoy every innocent bystander. Say less, clown. #Gemini 🤡 #astrology #horoscope
Jun 21 - Jul 22 • Water Sign
The Moon's drowning in Pisces, so you'll sob into oblivion, dreaming of comfort food nobody wants to share. Get a grip, #Cancer. 🍲 #astrology #horoscope
Jul 23 - Aug 22 • Fire Sign
Capricorn planets want hustle, you want applause. Tragic. No one’s watching you today, #Leo. Go practice your tears in the mirror. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope
Aug 23 - Sep 22 • Earth Sign
Capricorn’s cold planets are organizing your misery. All lists, no fun. Keep sorting your sock drawer, #Virgo, that’s your legacy. 🧦 #astrology #horoscope
Sep 23 - Oct 22 • Air Sign
Venus in Capricorn makes love an investment portfolio. Looks like you’re getting emotional bankruptcy, #Libra. Buy some self-respect! 💔 #astrology #horoscope
Oct 23 - Nov 21 • Water Sign
Big, soulful Moon in Pisces? You’ll brood, whine, sting everyone, repeat. Astounding depth, like a toddler’s puddle. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope
Nov 22 - Dec 21 • Fire Sign
Mercury’s in your sign: volume high, substance nil. You’ll mansplain yourself into oblivion, #Sagittarius. Save us all, shut up. 🛑 #astrology #horoscope
Dec 22 - Jan 19 • Earth Sign
Sun, Mars, Venus, party at your place, but it’s a funeral for fun. Drag the rest of us into your joyless grind, #Capricorn. 🪦 #astrology #horoscope
Jan 20 - Feb 18 • Air Sign
Pluto’s new in Aquarius, stirring chaos. But you’re still too weird for relevance. Gloat in antisocial silence, #Aquarius. 🤖 #astrology #horoscope
Feb 19 - Mar 20 • Water Sign
Moon, Saturn, Neptune all pile on, wow, a tsunami of feelings and delusion! Someone get #Pisces a mop and some reality. 🧽 #astrology #horoscope
Ephemeris
What lies below is not mere data, but the cold machinery of destiny. The movements of celestial tyrants whose whims shape the lives of mortals too dim to notice. Study this ephemeris if you must, though knowledge often brings more misery than ignorance ever could.
| sun in capricorn | 5° 28' |
| moon in pisces | 25° 30' |
| mercury in sagittarius | 21° 6' |
| venus in capricorn | 2° 54' |
| mars in capricorn | 8° 51' |
| jupiter in cancer | 21° 59' |
| saturn in pisces | 25° 53' |
| uranus in taurus | 28° 5' |
| neptune in pisces | 29° 27' |
| pluto in aquarius | 2° 34' |
