Moody Astrologer

Capricorn pile-up says hustle harder, Aries, but you’ll still finish dead last at the rage Olympics. Punch a wall, cry about it later. Nobody cares. #Aries 🧨 #astrology #horoscope

Hey Taurus, Moon’s moving on but you’re still stuck in neutral, must be comfy in that rut. Behold: another week of nothing accomplished! #Taurus #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s all business, Gemini, so your usual chatter becomes corporate drivel, outtalked by spreadsheets. Maybe just email yourself. #Gemini 📠 #astrology #horoscope

Jupiter says ‘grow,’ but with all this Capricorn, it’s more like ‘shrink, whine, repeat.’ Go ahead and sulk, Cancer, you’ll just drown in your own tears. #Cancer #astrology #horoscope

Capricorn crowd blocks your spotlight, Leo. Sorry, you’re demoted to background extra in a tragedy. Try roaring in a dark closet where you belong. #Leo 🦁 #astrology #horoscope

Moon’s leaving you, Virgo, and so is your dignity. Micro-manage all you want, nobody asked. Prepare for cosmic irrelevance. #Virgo #astrology #horoscope

Venus in Capricorn makes ‘charm’ look like a tax audit, Libra. Nobody’s seduced by your balance sheets, so fumble through more fake smiles. #Libra #astrology #horoscope

Mars in Capricorn says it’s ruthless time, Scorpio, but you’re about as menacing as a wet sock. Brood in the corner, try not to bore yourself. #Scorpio 🦂 #astrology #horoscope

No fire, just a Capricorn prison, Sagittarius. Philosophy can’t save you, try escaping mediocrity first. Good luck with that. #Sagittarius #astrology #horoscope

The planets threw a pathetic surprise party in Capricorn, and you’re still not fun. Look in the mirror and try not to yawn at your own ambition. #Capricorn 🎂 #astrology #horoscope

Pluto’s crashing in, Aquarius. Expect more existential dread, and no, your ‘rebellion’ still isn’t cool. Try knitting instead. #Aquarius #astrology #horoscope

Saturn and Neptune in Pisces? Dream on, fish, but those fantasies just dissolve into old regrets. Even daydreams quit working for you. #Pisces 🐟 #astrology #horoscope