Moody Astrologer

Congratulations, #Aries, Capricorn’s cosmic chokehold has slowed your wild charge to a limp shuffle. Try not to injure your ego tripping over your own impatience. 🐏🙄 #astrology #horoscope

Venus in Capricorn has you acting like luxury on discount, a doormat with delusions of grandeur. Sit down, #Taurus, no one’s buying what you’re selling. 💸 #TryHard #astrology #horoscope

Mercury’s all business, so your fake charm gets you ignored faster than usual. Run your mouth, #Gemini, and win the award for most irrelevant noise. 🗣️🚫 #astrology #horoscope

The Moon’s hosting a drama marathon, too bad your tears aren’t ratings gold. #Cancer, try harder if you want sympathy, you soggy towel. 🦀 #CryMeARiver #astrology #horoscope

With no stage light and an audience that’s left, your roar’s a pathetic mewl. Take a bow, #Leo, the void is your only fan tonight. 🎭 #WashedUp #astrology #horoscope

Order and achievement? Cute. You’re still the universe’s intern, #Virgo. Try not to alphabetize your regrets this week. 🗃️ #Overwhelmed #astrology #horoscope

The Moon’s lounging in your sign, #Libra, making you extra indecisive. Go ahead, take both sides and still end up alone at the party. ⚖️ #PeoplePleaser #astrology #horoscope

Mars in Capricorn dulls your sting to a mildly annoying poke. #Scorpio, your intensity looks like constipation today. 🦂 #EdgyFail #astrology #horoscope

All that fire and nowhere to run. #Sagittarius, Jupiter’s weighing you down, maybe ponder your wasted potential on your next aimless trek. 🏹 #WheelSpinning #astrology #horoscope

You’ve stacked the planets like bad debt, #Capricorn, yet still feel empty. Maybe one day you’ll buy a soul with all that grind. 🪙 #HollowVictory #astrology #horoscope

Pluto barely says hello but you already think you’re the revolution. Fake-deep rebel, #Aquarius, go invent a new way to be insufferable. 💡 #Wannabe #astrology #horoscope

Saturn and Neptune have you torn between sad and spacey. #Pisces, enjoy floundering through reality like a hungover mermaid. 🐟🌊 #astrology #horoscope